


Unpredictable

by Captainvegas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, First Dates, Jealousy, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Phan - Freeform, Portrayal of Mental Issues, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2018-11-08 19:56:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captainvegas/pseuds/Captainvegas
Summary: What would you do if you were in love with your best friend? Would you have the guts to confess? Or would you just stand by and let the fear of rejection comsume you?Dan Howell was just like any other person- except well for, you know his somehow popular channel and fame that comes along with it. And even then, he gladly shares it with his sunshine-of-a-best friend, Phil Lester.Enter Phil, the eccentric older YouTuber, and the best friend of Dan for more than 8 years.He shares everything to Dan. His hobbies, fears, food, and...his interests in girls.Heartbroken and jealous, Dan watches as Leslie Calinetes is forced back into his life after a wild encounter with Phil. But with her, lies Dan's darkest secret. He can't let Phil ever find it out.But, call him needy, he'll do anything to keep Phil by his side. Even with the risk of spiraling down a hole of darkening depression. In the end, can Phil really repair what he's done? And what's going on inside Dan's head?





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey.”

 

“Phil.”

 

A nudge from the corner of the bed by Phil's left side. A dip from the left side made his body plop to the direction of the body.

 

“ _Phil…_ ”

 

A whine erupted close to his ears and Phil shoved the body off his bed. Grumbling, he opened one eye and lazily made eye contact with the man wolfishly grinning at him.

 

“What.”

 

Phil snipped as he wiggled to gain his comfy spot back on his bed. He heard Dan snicker as he got up from the floor and dusted himself off before jumping onto the unsuspecting Phil.

 

The older man let out a loud yell in protest and whined as Dan lugged his body and refused to budge. Thinking that this was revenge for his pranks recently, Phil succumbed and gave up fighting.

 

“Yes Dan?”

 

“Finally I was waiting for you to ask!”  Dan excitedly exclaimed. Phil winced at Dan yelled right by his ear.

 

“Do you prefer red velvet or chocolate? I know you have moods depending on what day it is but…” Dan trailed off as he sat up suddenly, wondering if he gave to much away.

 

“Um chocolate I ‘supose,” Phil squinted his eyes. Was this a prank?

 

“Oh it's nothin’,” Dan succuried out of Phil's room without another word, leaving a perplexed Phil in his trail. Shaking his head, Phil laid back down and stared up at his colorful wall, waiting for his thoughts to consume him again.

 

Phil didn’t usually dwell on the present for the simple fact that he didn’t want to think about it.

 

He was more of a _live in the moment_  kind of guy so when his evidential future came, he wanted none of it. The nights where his mind thought long and hard about his future it would keep him up for the entire night  and suffocated his brain into thinking about the inevitable future.

 

Phil’s mind turned to mush as he gripped the sides of his head in despair. Breathing deeply, he let out a huge heave of a sigh.

 

Tomorrow would be his thirty-fourth birthday and for some reason the idea of him turning another age bothered him immensely. Phil wasn't sure what was really the matter with him recently. He has been thinking about his place in life lot lately, in six more years he would be forty years old.

 

Most people his age were content with life. He wanted something else in life other than being a youtuber; he didn't want to forever be known for his branding of cat whiskers and his right fringe. He just didn't know exactly what he wanted in his life exactly, he just knew that empty feeling he had been harbouring lately meant that something was missing in his life.

  
  
Phil let out another depressed sigh and he shut his eyes. He didn’t want to think about this but he had to. Phil allowed himself to dive deep into his thoughts, trying to desperately search for the answer to what he was looking for.

 

Frustrated, he shifted to his side and grabbed one of his many multicolored pillows and pressed his face into it.

 

The coolness of the pillow had always been a welcoming feeling. He enjoyed flipping the pillow to the colder side whenever he was getting overheated or his thoughts were running wild. The coolness of the pillow was gratifying to his heated state and once his mind was cleared enough he shifted back up, and looked up at the ceiling to try to think about what was really bothering him.

 

He ran a mental checklist of the things he had in life.

 

It wasn't as if he was in need of a friend, his best friend literally lived with him so he checked off that part of the list.

 

Phil didn't need any more attention than he already was given by the brilliant people on the internet that he loved and cherish with his heart. So that aspect of his life was covered.

 

He had a stable income from youtube itself and he loved making videos so it wasn’t that he was necessarily _bored_ with his work, (although the editing does take forever though).

 

This was something deeper than just a longing for something; it was as if a part of him was missing and he intended to find out what that feeling was.

 

Phil knew it was loneliness he was feeling. He was sure at least about that, why though, that was the question. He was lonely for something that he couldn't quite be sure to put his fingers on. His mind flashed to what other aspects of his life were missing and in the dark in the middle of the night, after thinking about it all day, it hit him straight in the face.

 

Phil wanted to hit himself with something. He felt like an absolute idiot for not thinking of this before; all of the times where he had been sitting in public with Dan and had looked up to see all the people that passed by him and always felt his heart drop, it was always the couples that walked by that made his heart sink to his stomach. They looked so content with life as they were obviously in love.

  
Usually people his age had already settled down and were happily married with maybe a kid or two; yet he had hardly had a real relationship in years. Other than the blind dates that his friends had set up for him and those quick flings that eventually died out on their own, Phil's love life had been a complete flop in recent years.

  
  
Phil ran a hand down his face. He hated remembering _her_ but he thought back to his last real relationship.

 

Her name was Leslie Parker and she was probably one of the most amazing people he had ever had the chance to meet. She was truly an outstanding girl because she was the only one to capture Phil’s heart and truly sweep him off his feet. The first time he had saw her, his heart fluttered and his greeting died in his throat.

 

Phil had never really had the experiences that romance novels depict about love at first sight. He always scoffed at this because he didn’t believe love was superficial but rather a process of what one falls in love with the person over a period of time, but he was damn sure that this girl had completely floored his system with an emotion he hadn’t felt before.

 

What he loved about her was that he could see vividly a bit of himself in her personality. She was kind and was always willing to help someone. They had dated for almost three years and to be perfectly honest, Phil was thinking about asking for her hand in marriage- he had even bought an engagement ring.

 

Then one day, everything just disappeared. It’s like overnight she turned into a different person and she dumped him that day, never once hearing his desperate pleas of how ‘he can fix this’ or ‘we can work it out’.

 

He could remember that night clearly; as if it had happened only weeks ago, though it had almost been more than two years since that night.

 

Phil and Leslie had spent the day together; he had made a picnic, they went and watched a movie and then he was going to take her to the place they had first met to pop the question. It was a glorious day and Phil thought it would have been the day that he would talk about to their children when they were older. Then it was as if a switch got flipped after the movie; Phil had to run to the flat to get the ring that he had hidden in a place that she wouldn't had been able to reach due to her abnormal shortness. He walked back into the living room, the ring in his pocket and Leslie looked oddly stiff. Dan was watching something on Netflix and didn't seem to realize the sudden change in Leslie's usual chirpy attitude. 

  
As they walked out the door, Phil had tried to hold her hand but she wouldn't let him. It wasn't until they got to Central London and Phil had gotten down onto one knee that Leslie opened her mouth. She started talking about how she wanted to see other people and how she had been thinking about breaking it off for awhile, but she had never had the courage to break his heart.

 

Phil remembered begging her to reconsider and telling her how much he really cared for her; but she just kept shaking her head, tears in her eyes.

  
  
That was the last time Phil had truly been in love and for weeks afterwards he could hardly get out bed. He had just lost the person that he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with. If it hadn't been for Dan and his constant hugs and soothing words, Phil might have just spent the rest of his life heartbroken over what Leslie had just done to him.

  
  
Phil shook the thoughts of Leslie out of his mind and started to think about how and if he would pursue in filling the missing part in his life. 

 

He ran fingers through his hair and got up out of bed and locked his door as he didn't want to be bothered- his thoughts were already bothering him enough. 

 

He turned out the lights and crawled back into bed; staring at the clock as it counted down the minutes until his birthday. He watched it go from 11:59 to 12:00.

 

A pit of regret pooled in his stomach as he realized why Dan had asked him what flavor he wanted. Pretending to be asleep, he closed his eyes tightly, all in high hopes that Dan would leave him alone when he knocked in his door.

  
Not a minute later, he heard a small _‘Phil?’_ through the door and regretfully, he hoped that sleep would come and take him swiftly. His mind was menacing enough and he couldn't be bothered with more feelings tonight. 

_Happy birthday to me I guess_

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rest in Peace Dan's manly ego  
> Birthday wishes and bashes

**Chapter two**

Phil awoke from his blissful state. The worries he had last night had disappeared for the moment but the harsh awakening he heard had snapped him out of his groggy state. The memories of last night flooded his system and Phil resisted the urge to groan out loud. 

 

Phil closed his eyes for a second and faintly he heard the sounds of the pots and pans that banged together from the kitchen. Whatever it may be, a small smile appeared on Phil’s face. Dan was not the type to cook at all, first off he was terrible at it and secondly he always managed to get himself burnt with something if he didn’t watch out (which he didn’t usually unless Phil was there). 

 

“Fuck!!”

 

A voice rang nearby. Phil rolled his eyes and decided it was time to get up before Dan burned down the entire complex.

 

He stood up slowly and yawned; he hadn't slept much last night after his thoughts had kept him awake for most of the night and frankly he was still tired after only  _ slightly _  sleeping in. His feet came into contact with the carpeted floor and he set off to the door.  Along the way, he passed his mirror on his way out and did a double take. He had dark bags under his eyes from the restless sleep he got. Phil further examined his face as he leaned closer to his dresser/mirror. 

 

_ Another year older Philly _

 

Phil sighed as he grabbed the edge of his dresser. He glanced at the mirror and his  bright blue eyes stared back at him and he intently looked back at his reflection, looking at it closely as if it had all the answers he was looking for in his life. He fixed his fringe before walking out of his room and down to the kitchen.

 

When he entered the kitchen, he heard a running stream of water. Imagining what Dan had done, his eyes landed upon him holding his hand under some cold water. He could hear the small hiss in discomfort the younger man had made when the ice cold water fell steadily on his hand. When they made eye contact, Dan gave him a sheepish smile. With his head slightly ducked down he said, “The pan was hotter than I expected.” 

 

Phil glanced at his figure and let out a hearty laugh. He slowly shook his head.

 

“Dan. The pan was over a fire. Why would you touch it?” 

 

He asked with a chuckle. Phil reached for one of the oven mitts they had and grabbed the edge of the pan with it so it was safely out of the way just in case they bumped the handle. 

 

“I dunno, I had only left it on for two minutes, I really didn’t expect it to be  _ that _ hot.”

 

“But anyways, onto more important matters,” Dan said as he turned around to turn off the tap.

 

“Happy birthday, Philly.”

 

Phil’s lips quirked into a small smile. Dan usually never made birthdays such a big deal, so he appreciated the far efforts Dan was going for to make this day special. It was sort of nice to be appreciated like this by his best friend. 

 

“Thanks Dan,” Phil smiled as he sat down at the table. Phil cracked another smile and clasped his hands as he patiently waited for his birthday meal. 

 

“So, what did you make?”

 

“Well, today we have my famous burnt pancakes with a side of possibly undercooked sausage, let's just say if Gordon Ramsey looked at my food, he’d be yelling at me that I’m an idiot sandwich messing up the food.”

 

Dan joked lightheartedly and Phil chuckled at the poor attempt of  a joke.

 

“Maybe it would be best if I just ate some cereal. It's my birthday and I’d rather not die today.”

 

Dan gave Phil a stern look but then his expression  melted into a grin.

 

“Normally I wouldn't let you touch my cereal but I guess I’ll let it slide today,” Dan smiled as he grabbed his favorite cereal and placed it in front of Phil.

 

Phil poured himself a bowl and started to eat as he answered text messages from people. His Youtuber friends had all sent him happy birthday wishes ranging from the extreme “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE SUNSHINE! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” from Tyler to a cute “Happy Birthday Phil!” from PJ. Every message  he received basically said the same thing, but with ranging extremities. It was actually heartwarming to receive that many messages from his friends that he cared for dearly. 

 

Phil let out a sigh as he pocketed his phone. The buzzing in his phone finally ceased for the time being and he glanced up to Dan that sat directly in front of him, glaring helplessly at his burnt hand. Phil resisted the urge to laugh at Dan's expression.

 

He was finishing up his breakfast before he looked back up at Dan in mid bite. Phil cocked his head slightly, Dan had a small smile on his face as he watched him eat his cereal. 

 

“What? Is there something on my face?”

 

Dan snapped out of his daze and stuttered out a weak, “Nothing.”

 

Phil dismissed this with a shrug of his shoulders and twirled his spoon in his bowl, trying to think of what to do today. He couldn't decide whether to make a video or a short update on his channel. 

 

He made the smart decision to upload on the gaming channel they share. 

 

“Dan, we should probably film a video for the gaming channel soon. We haven't uploaded a video in a few weeks.” 

 

“Sims video?” 

 

Dan nodded his head in confirmation.

 

“Sims video.”

 

As they ate, they bantered and discussed what they were going to do during the video. Phil thought long and hard of what his intro was going to be to greet the viewers, since he always does whenever he plays with Dan.

Once they were done with their almost burnt meal (which Phil was still thankful for), they trudged up the stairs and headed to their gaming room to set up for the upcoming Sims video. Beforehand  though, they both headed to their separate rooms to get ready in their respective outfits for the day.  

 

They had to provide something new for the gaming channel and this was a fun way to pass the time before they had to hurry and arrange the apartment because Phil’s parents were visiting for his birthday in a few hours.

 

“...And it is done, just gotta make the thumbnail for this puppy right here and we're done Phil.”

 

Dan whirled around in his chair to face Phil who was still toying with the camera to pack it away. Phil carefully put it back in its case and then turned around to face Dan to say something. Phil opened his mouth to tell Dan that they should flip a coin to see who gets the lucky chance of editing the video when suddenly he heard a knock on the door to their apartment. 

 

Phil quickly stood up with a huge smile on his face. “Dan! They're here! Quick, slap on a pair of pants or put your old pants back on, just do it quickly.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Phil, happy birthday to you,” 

 

Phil, even at his age, he still loves the time when his family sings before he gets to cut the first piece of cake and hands it to the nearest person. 

 

His family sung the last note before he blew out the candles on his cake. He took in a big breath and in one blow, he blew all of his candles out while making a wish in his head at the same time.

 

_ Oh please, give me someone to love and cherish _

 

Unbeknownst to him, Dan sat near him watching him closely as he blew his candles out. Dan had a fond smile on his face as he watched Phil ponder about his wish. Dan's eyes trailed down from his shut eyes to the slope of his lips and down again to the bob of his Adam's apple. Dan gulped as he noticed his actions.

 

_ “Dan stop it _ ”

 

He chided himself and shook himself of those thoughts for now and paid attention to Phil's bright smile as he opened his eyes once more to meet Dan’s. Phil's bright smile always made Dan's insides flood with warmth and more especially when Phil showed him something he's really excited about. 

 

“So what did you wish for Philly?”

 

Phil's eyes landed on Dan again. He gave him a secret smile and motioned his mouth shut in a 'locked’ position. 

 

“Can't tell you because it won't come true then.” Phil said with teasing tone and then clapping his hands together.

 

“Let's cut the cake now guys!” Phil said in a childish voice. 

 

“Here you go Phil,” Phil's mum handed him the plastic knife for him to part the cake up into different pieces. She kissed his forehead and smiled warmly. 

 

“You might not want to hand Phil that knife, Mrs. Lester. You should know he isn't very  _ sharp  _ while using a knife.”

 

Phil have him a dead look while trying his hardest not to grin.

 

“That was an awful pun, Dan.”

 

Dan gave Phil a sheepish smile before grabbing the knife from him to cut the cake, muttering something along the lines of, “I don't trust you with a knife.” 

 

Phil rolled his eyes at that statement and watched Dan cut up the cake.

 

Once everyone had gotten a piece of cake, Phil turned towards Dan and he froze when he caught Dan staring at him with a mischievous glint in his eyes. Phil glanced down to Dan's hand  and realized that Dan was holding a rather large piece of cake. In a fleeting attempt to defend himself, he quickly tried to say,

 

“ _ Dan _ , don't you dare you wouldn't harm me on my birthday right-?”

 

It was futile to defend himself though- Dan had already run over and shove the piece of cake in his best friends face. Phil let out a loud gasp as he felt the cold sponge cake run down his nose and to the end of is chin. The sweetness of the cake caught on the edge of his lips and he reached out to pick it of. It was delicious but Phil had revenge to get. 

 

After all revenge is a dish best served cold right?

 

Phil tried to push Dan away and he laughed when Dan awkwardly landed on his butt and onto the floor. He heard his parents chuckle at the sight of the lanky man on the floor and Phil decided to join them. Phil continued to chuckle  at the sight of Dan and so when Dan extended his arm towards him Phil didn't think much of it until he felt his body forcibly tugged to the ground. 

 

Phil let out a surprisingly loud yelp and he fell on top of Dan's body. He heard Dan suck in a quick breath and Phil dazedly looked at him as he regained his sense of direction. He blankly took in Dan's dusted red cheeks and shaky breath until it dawned to him that he landed in a very  _ provocative _ way. Phil's senses flooded with a mix of surprise and albeit  of horror since he made Dan obviously uncomfortable.

 

Both Phil and Dan jerked off of each other, (more like Dan pushing Phil in the chest to get him off) and with a grunt Phil heaved himself off of Dan. Phil rose to his feet and he extended his arm towards Dan as way to help him up. But Dan to his surprise, ignored his hand, awkwardly rose up by himself and seemed to crouch as he stood. Dan avoided Phil's worried gaze.

 

Dan muttered “I'll be back in a second, I just remembered something about Phil's present” as he hurriedly passed by Phil and his parents to make his way upstairs. 

 

“ _ What's wrong with him?” _

 

Phil looked at the backside of Dan as he almost sprinted to his room. Realizing it was most likely about the fall, he yelled to him “sorry” as he ran up the steps. As Dan ran up, he gave no sign that he heard Phil or even acknowledged his apology. 

 

His steps up the stairs echoed across the house and rang in his ears. The feeling of disappointment set in his stomach and he was slightly sick at the sound of Dan's door slamming into the wall. Unintentionally or not, Phil felt horrible either way.

 

Phil’s mum cleared her throat to get his attention and it worked since Phil snapped his eyesight from the staircase to his mum's gaze. 

 

“Phil, let's go get something to eat before your Father and I have to go home,” His mum said. He looked back in the direction where Dan had just ran off  before nodding.

 

“Let me clean up and then we can head out, I know of a fantastic Indian restaurant we can go to.”

**…**

 

Later that night as Phil sat in his room; he took out his phone and tweeted out, “ _ Thank you for the birthday wishes! Everyone gets a houseplant as a party favour.” _

 

He set his phone down and then sighed. The day had been great but the  thoughts of last night had nagged in the back of his mind the entire day. He knew that it was time to move on from his last relationship.He knew that much. He would never actually find someone if he clinged on to the thought of a girl who would never love him.

 

Phil decided to ignore the thoughts tonight and just talk to Dan about it in the morning. Talking about his thoughts had always helped him with his decisions. He closed his eyes and immediately fell asleep as he was so exhausted. 

 

He didn't even wake up as Dan walked in with a small smile on his face to cover up his best friend with a blanket, kissing his forehead and then turning off the lights. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you at the next chapter! xx


	3. Chapter 3

The first thing Phil did when he awoke, was groan. He always hated waking up to the sun shining right onto his face, it signified that he had slept in  _ way  _ too late.

 

But nevertheless, he hadn't woken up till  almost noon and he rolled over to avoid the bright light that was shining in through his opened blinds.

 

_ Stupid sunshine  _

 

Phil grumbled underneath his breath as the light poured onto his floor and the frame of his bed, all he wanted to do was sleep.

 

He heaved a sigh and struggled to erase the last few fleeting thoughts of sleep as his mind convinced his body to get up and move.

 

After laying in bed for a few moments more, he decided to get up and get ready for the oncoming day.

 

He put on his slippers as he got ready and when he stood, he stretched his body up to the ceiling so he can get the satisfying feeling he usually gets when he stretches.

 

He yawned as he scratched a spot on his back all in the while tasting his morning breath.

 

He grimaced at the taste and he decided to get something to eat and then brush his teeth. 

 

While passing his dresser,he grabbed his glasses from the top and got changed into one of the button ups he owned, the polka dotted one that had the deep navy blue color of it was by far one of his favorite shirts that he had bought. 

 

He slapped on a pair of black jeans and some mismatched  socks and headed downstairs. 

 

Walking downstairs and  towards the kitchen, he passed Dan on his way. 

 

Dan was scrolling through the deep sea of tumblr on his side of the couch and generally when he scrolled though tumblr was because he was bored out of his mind.

 

Phil paused when he saw him, it was a good time as it was ever and honestly he just wanted to get this off his chest as soon as possible.

 

Phil stopped in his tracks and then turned towards Dan, figuring that now would be a good time to talk about everything.

 

“Dan, can we talk?” 

 

There was no change of expression in Dan’s face but then he sighed as if it was a big effort to him. 

 

Dan glanced from his MacBook and was about to make a joke about how he was obviously busy doing nothing, but when he saw Phil’s facial expression he set it aside.

 

Dan’s expression lost all the humor in it. 

 

“What’s wrong?” 

 

Dan’s alarming tone amused Phil of how worried he got by those four words. 

 

Noticing that he was still standing, he took the seat closest to Dan and the pressure of having another body on the couch forced the two’s shoulders together. 

 

Normally he wouldn't mind it but he didn't want Dan to get uncomfortable as he did yesterday at his birthday party.

 

“Is it about yesterday? Look I’m sorry, I just needed something from my room.” 

Dan said in a panicked tone, he believed it was this that Phil was troubled about. 

 

Phil let out a small sigh, so it wasn’t anything he did. He didn’t make Dan uncomfortable by what he did yesterday as much as he thought he did.  

 

A small part of him was alleviated by that fact and it relaxed him a bit.

  
  


Phil shook his head.  “Nothing's like that Dan,  actually everything is great. I realized why I’ve been down lately and I’m ready to fix it.”

 

Dan looked at him with a confused look.  _ What the fuck was he talking about? _

 

He didn't understand what his best friend meant; he hadn't realized that Phil had been upset at all.

 

A part of him was worried for his best friend, he had kept this all to himself and he just now bothered to bring it up to him? It must be terrible if he had to spend so much time pondering about it. 

 

But now that he thought of it, he had noticed that his best friend had been more quieter lately and that he had been more withdrawn more than ever.

 

Dan felt sick. He was a terrible friend if he didn’t realize this was affecting Phil so much, what kind of a best friend was he if he couldn't tell when Phil was upset by something? 

 

“Why have you been upset Phil?” 

 

Dan quietly murmured as he looked into his multi-colored eyes. Phil’s eyes were such a sight to look at- Dan never got tired of looking into them. 

 

The cerulean blue and the different hues of light blue that appeared in his eyes always made Dan’s breath catch in his throat, truly he was lucky to have Phil by his side.  

 

Phil grinned as he bumped shoulders with him. HIs chuckle echoed around the living room. 

 

The light hearted atmosphere made him comfortable enough to speak about his feelings and thoughts that circled around his head. 

 

“Don’t take this the wrong way ok, I’ve debated myself over this for quite some time.” 

 

Dan’s smile faltered.  _ What..? _

 

Dan gawked at Phil’s slightly turned away face. His chin was pressed into one of the throw pillows they have and stared directly at the wall in front of him.

 

His lips curled in a small smile, a gentle one that usually appears on his face as he thinks of something that he’s delighted about.

 

_ You cannot seriously be…  _ Anxiety pooled in Dan’s stomach from the hefty pause Phil took in between his words..  _ It almost sounds like he’s about too… _

 

“I’ve decided that it’s time for me to admit to myself that I want to date again, and this time for real.”

 

Phil shyly looked at Dan, who was all of a sudden flustered in front of his best friend. Dusty red cheeks appeared on Phil’s face from admitting something very personal to Dan.

 

Dan had a hard time believing what his ears were picking up, Phil hadn’t considered dating or even entertained the thought of it because of Leslie and now he was telling him that he was going to date again? 

 

_ Especially in front of me?  _

 

His heart was pounding fast in his chest, adrenaline coursed his veins as his body lurched for the long awaited words to come out of his mouth that he actually saw him as something  _ more  _ than a best friend. 

 

 

The sudden thought of it made his whole body fill with apprehension and Dan froze when Phil turned to him. This time, he did catch his breath. 

 

Phil’s full attention was on him as his eyes met Dan’s but what really got his attention was the flush of Phil’s cheeks and the pool of heat that appeared on his face. The red on his face made Dan gulp but he had a hard time swallowing because of how nervous he was for his next words. He couldn’t contain the onslaught of hopefulness that gathered in his stomach, it was really happening. After all these years of pining after Phil, his wishes finally are coming true. 

 

Phil cleared his throat. “I’m going to hopefully find a girlfriend-maybe even my soulmate. I’ll start by trying out some dating websites and maybe even have Louise gives me some tips on how to start dating again, I think I’m a bit rusty after all these years!” 

 

Phil finished with a laugh. He had expected Dan to laugh along with his self depreciating joke but he was met with silence. 

 

His laugh abruptly stopped.

 

“Dan?” 

 

Phil glanced at Dan and did a double take when he was met with a scowl on Dan’s face.

 

Phil had expected more of a positive reaction; maybe a smile or a pat on the back, but all he received was a hurtful look from the man in front of him

 

A dark look loomed on Dan’s face, his eyes narrowed at the ground and Phil glanced at his clenched hands. 

 

“Phil, maybe that’s not a good idea,” Dan gritted out between his clenched teeth. 

 

Like a switch, Dan’s mood changed. Phil had never seen him this angry about anything before. 

 

Not knowing what to do, Phil resorted to his first emotion that he felt at that moment and he was furious, he was furious for the fact that Dan rejected his idea and in a way rejected his feelings since this was actually something he was worried about. 

 

Phil sharply rose from his seat beside Dan, he wasn’t aware of it but his lip curled in slight disgust by the lack of Dan’s support, he really was upset that Dan couldn’t do this for him, even after being best friends for most of their lives. 

 

He had really thought that Dan would be happy for him but instead of smiling and telling him that he would help Dan was trying to talk Phil out of it. 

 

He couldn’t believe it, how could Dan be so...so  _ selfish _ !

 

“Why do you seem so angry over this?”

 

Phil rubbed his temples to try to control his anger, his entire body was shaking as he turned to Dan with a betrayed look on his face. 

 

His mind was clouded by his rash emotions and he couldn’t reign in his anger as he cornered Dan on the couch.

 

Phil pinned Dan so he was forced to look Phil dead in the eyes. 

 

Dan, this entire time had stared at the back of Phil’s head, glaring a hole in the back of it not believing what he was hearing. 

 

Dan was enraged, hell he was so mad he could feel his nerves buzzing and his eyes unfocusing.

 

Dan, he had thought,  _ he had thought  _ that this was the conversation he had been waiting his whole life for, but oh no, this was the last thing he wanted to hear. 

 

He was crushed, devastated maybe was a better word for the feelings that seemed to flow in and out of his mind.

 

So of course when the love of his life told him he was going to see people, how would he react anyway else?

 

Act like he wasn’t devastated?

 

He was a good actor to conceal his feelings but this is one thing he could not conceal.

 

He has loved Phil for as long as he remembered and very quickly Phil was slipping through his fingertips.

 

“Dan why are you so angry!”

 

He flinched at Phil’s tone and glared back at his position. 

 

His brown eyes shifted from the vein that appeared on Phil’s neck and to his chest where he was breathing heavily.  

 

Phil’s face was close to his and he can feel the pressure that his arm made indents from the sides of his body. Dan refused to meet Phil’s eyes and didn’t back down when he crossed his arms.

 

“Leave me alone, it’s nothing-”

 

Dan tried pushing Phil off of him when Phil made the effort to grab his shoulders making him look directly into his face. 

 

“Dan stop-” Dan only wrestled harder against his grip. His chest started to seize as the feeling of being cornered settled upon him.

 

“Phil let me go I’m serious!” Dan yelled as he squirmed against his grasp, now really feeling the panic rest on his chest. 

 

Phil was too close to him, it was messing with his thoughts and now really wasn’t the time to think about how if he moved his face a  _ little  _ closer he would have brushed against Phil’s lips.

 

_ Now’s not the time No Homo Howell. _

 

“Phil...I swear to god if you don’t let go now I’m going to get up and leave.” 

 

His jaw clenched as he repeated this to Phil, his gritted words sounded foreign to his ears .

 

Never in a million years would he have imagined he would have wanted to get away from Phil, ever. 

 

His heart clenched in pain as he saw the fire in Phil’s eyes die down a little, his own attitude relaxed but still was tense even to his ears. 

 

Dan saw Phil angrily gulp but avoid his eyes as he let his hands fall from his shoulders to his chest. 

 

_ Oh how I hate you Phil Lester _

 

Any best friend wouldn’t think twice about personal space with their long time friend but right now, the position of Phil being on his lap was one he had wished was in another lifetime.

 

Dan wanted to scream and cry, it was only his luck his best friend was oblivious to his actions and frankly Dan was sick of the world teasing his emotions and edging him on. 

 

Dan’s mood worsened and suddenly he clamped up and abruptly stood up.

 

He wasn’t going to deal with this shit anymore, Phil can go fuck himself.

 

Dan had gotten off of the couch after pushing Phil off with all the strength he had and started storming off to his room.

 

His hands clenched at his sides as he willed his emotions to bottle up. Before Dan could even reach the hallway though, Phil grabbed his arm and Dan stiffened. 

 

Sparks still set off at where Phil’s arm connected to his wrist. 

 

“Let me go.” Dan’s voice was dangerously  low. Right now was  _ not  _  the time for Phil to test him and his patience. 

 

Phil refused to back down though. “Not until you tell me why you are acting so weird.”

 

Dan didn't answer at first but then abruptly whirled around when he heard Phil make a  _ tch  _ sound. “Run away Dan, like you usually do.” 

 

Dan was livid when he saw Phil standing there with his arms crossed.  

 

“It’s not like you even tell me what’s wrong- I might run off but at least I say what's on my mind first!” 

 

“You certainly aren't saying what's on your mind now! Just tell me what's wrong!”

 

“Well, how about you tell me why  _ our _ life together is isn't good enough for you?” Dan growled with a rather vile tone. 

 

The threat seeped into the air like a poisonous gas, threatening the long standing friendship they cherish. 

 

Phil let out a scoff.  “Dan, you do realize that we have separate lives, right? Plus, I’m thirty-four years old. Most people my age- even people your age  are married, they have people to love… But I don't have that. I don't have it and I honestly need it,” Phil tried to explain as he let go of Dan’s arm.

 

Dan recoiled from his touch. He rubbed his wrist  in disgust and without realizing it, he wounded Phil with the words he promised himself never to say because his number one rule was to protect him. 

 

“Don't you remember what happened with Leslie? Do you really want to go through that again?”

 

It was like someone had dumped cold water over the both of them. 

 

The air stilled and both of them stiffed as the words bleed into the air and striking both of their hearts.

 

The two men both gasped and stared at each other, one in utter shock and the other in fury. 

 

“I cannot believe you Dan.” 

 

Dan’s heart dropped to his stomach when he heard Phil’s voice fall to an almost silent whisper.

 

“I tried to bring up a problem that was affecting me, and this is how you react? By bringing  _ her  _ up as an excuse to my happiness?” 

 

Phil backed away from Dan shaking his head in utter repulse. 

 

“You know what, fuck you Dan!” 

 

Phil yelled and then stated between gritted teeth. “You know that that’s a sensitive subject for me; so don't you dare try to bring that up to make me try to change my mind.” 

 

He pushed Dan against the wall. “I thought a  _ best friend  _ is supposed to  _ support  _  not  _ degrade _ .”

 

He sneered at Dan’s shrinking figure. “So stop acting like you care about me because if you did, you’d know how much this actually means to me!”  

 

“I’m just looking out for you,” Dan mumbled. He knew as soon as Phil raised his voice that meant that he went too far. 

 

He’s had it happen to him on few occasions but he usually knows when to stop. This time he didn’t-he just kept pressing on. 

 

The differences in their angers were apparent in their nature: Dan was a rash anger, bold, powerful, a whirlwind of heated arguments and flying punches and unconventional retorts.

 

Dan never really got truly angry, aside from protecting his family or Phil; he really never got the chance to lash out. When he cried to himself, he was an ugly crier he admits. 

 

His face blotches up red in different places like his neck and cheeks and he absolutely hated the fact that his throat closes up so he can’t really speak without sounding ridiculous. 

 

And the tears that fall from his eyes run all the way down his cheeks and fall from his soft jawline pool together in one area of his pillow he always cries on. 

 

 Dan’s anger was a wet kind of anger; anger that is past the point of being mad but more upset by the fact someone they love had upset them greatly.

 

  
Dan had always cared too much for his own good.   


 

  
But no, Phil was a complete opposite.

 

  
  
Phil cried, oh for sure, has he cried before.

 

  
  
But when Phil cries, it’s his eyes that become red rimmed but his cheeks don’t flush, it’s his neck and the vein that stands out that someone can tell he’s been upset. 

 

He never once had acted on his anger but rather keeps it inside and he reserves the anger to himself until one day he explodes and he raises his voice. 

 

That’s how Dan knows he has messed up majorly if he made Phil raise his voice at him. Dan always apologizes when Phil raises his voice because he knows he messed up.

 

But Phil was more than just angry at Dan, he was furious. His usually bright eyes were dark and his face was in a permanent scowl. 

 

 

“No, if you were looking out for me, you wouldn't have gotten so angry at something this small. Something that’s so important to me.” 

 

 

Dan went to put a hand on Phil’s shoulder, quietly saying, “Philly… I’m sorry.”

 

 

“I don't want something to happen to you again you saw how your break up with Leslie happened? How you cried, I never want to see that happen again.” 

 

 

Phil jerked his shoulder away from Dan and then shook his head.

 

 

He couldn't believe that Dan was trying to apologize after what he said. Regardless of what Dan is saying he wounded him.

 

 

He looked at Dan with a face of absolute disgust before grabbing his shoes and preparing to walk out the door. 

  
  


“Phil...wait-”Dan started as Phil grasped the doorknob.

 

 

 Phil's hand rested on the knob before quietly whispering, his voice hoarse because of his emotions he was feeling and said rather coldly:

 

 

“I don't want to see you right now..”

 

 

He thrust the door open and before slamming it, he glared at Dan and murmured “Don't expect me to come hom-” Phil corrected himself. “Don't expect me to come to the house anytime soon.”

 

 

He failed to hear the quiet gasp and a sob as the slamming door rattled the frame of the door.

 

 

A weak  _ please don't leave me alone  _ echoed across the now empty room.

 

 

Phil stomped his way stormed out of the entrance of his apartment flat. 

 

Phil was furious at what Dan had said, he had no right telling him that his wish to start dating was a bad idea.

 

 

Phil involuntarily shuddered. 

 

The London night unusually chilly and he had no idea where he was going but as he calmed down a bit, he realized how cold it was.

 

Phil knew that he had to get out of the cold before he got sick but there was no way that he was going home and face Dan again after he walked out.

 

He glanced around at all the shops before his eyes landed upon a coffee shop. 

 

He sighed in relief. So he wasn't going to freeze to death before the night is over.

 

 He was usually the kind of person that went to Starbucks but anything was better than shivering out here in the cold.

 

As Phil walked into the shop, he sighed in relief. It was so toasty and the smell of coffee was oddly comforting. 

 

He walked to the counter and ordered a mint hot chocolate with extra whip cream- His mom would always make him some when he was younger and now anytime he was upset it calmed him down.

 

After He got his drink, he sat down at a table close to a window to think about what had just happened. 

 

_ Why had Dan had gotten absolutely furious over the idea of Phil dating again?  _

 

_ Why did Phil get so angry with Dan after he disapproved? _ It wasn't as if he needed his best friends approval in order to start dating again.

 

He looked down at his phone and Dan had already sent him twenty text messages apologizing for what had happened. 

 

He took a deep breath and shook his head; he decided to wait awhile before answering him so he didn't say anything to hurtful.

 

Phil set his phone down after he declined yet another phone call from Dan. He looked up and saw a women looking at him rather intently. 

 

Their eyes met momentarily before her forest green eyes looked away.

 

He knew instantly that the woman he was looking at was none other than Leslie Parker, the former love of his life. 

 

His heart felt as if it was about to burst because she was just as beautiful as she had been two years ago; her dark hair was cut shorter than it had been last time they had seen each other but other than that she was exactly the same as he remembered.

 

His eyes followed her as she walked up to the register ordering a drink and he thought that was it; he thought that she would walk out of the coffee shop as soon as she had gotten her drink, but she didn’t. 

 

Leslie surprised him as she sat down across from him and gave him her cute, awkward smile before saying, “ _ Hey there Phil _ .”

 

“Leslie,” Phil said, his voice cracking. 

 

“Can we talk?”

 

He gave her a confused look; last time they had spoken she was trying to avoid talking but now she actually wanted to have a conversation.

 

“Look, I know things ended badly between the two of us. But I need to know why….”

 

Phil shook his head, “Leslie, things are over between the two of us. You should know that as  _ you _ were the one to end it. Please, don't bring back the past. I’m trying to forget it.”

 

He stood up to leave but she grabbed his hand, his hand began to tingle and all he wanted to do was grab her hand back and never let it go. 

 

He yanked his hand away though, knowing that he couldn't trust Leslie with his heart again.

 

“Phil… If you need anything, my number is still the same,” She said and then walked away, her shoulders slumped.

 

Phil watched her as she walked off. All he wanted to do was yell for her to come back and explain why after all these years, she wanted him back in her life. 

 

But he couldn't do that without opening wounds that he had tried so hard to heal. 

  
  


He shook his head as if that would help clear all of the thoughts out of his mind. 

 

 

It didn't help any, the stress of his fight with Dan and then talking to Leslie- it was unbearable.

 

He grabbed his phone and walked out of the coffee shop in a hurry. 

 

He checked the time and saw that it was only three o'clock but he turned the corner and headed to a bar. 

 

Phil was never one to drink; he was a light-weight and the after effect of being drunk was enough for him not to drink at all. 

 

But today it was different, Phil needed to forget even if it was only for a small amount of time.

 

He walked into a bar with a sign that said, ’ _ Caleo’s Grill and Bar.’  _

 

He ordered a shot and downed it without even preparing himself; the taste of the vodka burned as he swallowed it but as soon as he finished it that he ordered another one, and another one, and another one and another one.

 

_ I just need forget _

 

 

 

 

 

__


	4. Chapter 4

Dan had been waiting for Phil for hours, he hadn't seen him since he stormed out earlier that day. As the hour ticked on by, he grew more and more worried where he was at, going as far and sucking up his pride and texting him sorry first.

 

Safe to say, when he didn’t respond, he was extremely worried. He had called him what seemed to be a million times and not a single call, not even a simple text message.

 

Dan sighed as he curled himself further into the plush seat of the couch, his body fitting into the mold of the slope. He wearily glanced back at his phone again, hoping if he continued to look at it it would ring to finally give him peace of mind.

 

But instead the empty feeling in his stomach had finally morphed into barely contained anxiety as the day finally started turning into the wee hours of the evening.

 

Dan groaned as he opened his phone to look at the time again. The numbers glared back at him as he read _11:43 p.m._ He looked out of the window yet again, hoping to see Phil walking up the sidewalk and into their flat. Though he sighed heavily when he didn't see his best friend outside.

 

He has regretted a lot of things that he has done over the years, but this was by far the worst possible thing he has ever done and said.

 

What he had said during their argument was something unforgivable, and Dan’s heart contracted at the fact that there was a huge chance that he may never even repair his friendship with Phil ever again. Just the thought of Phil not being in his life made his throat close and seize up and the panic that resided in his chest grew larger as the fleeting thought entered his brain. Dan knew that he had greatly overstepped his boundaries with Phil, there was no denying it. And he’ll do whatever it takes to get him back.

 

Dan was in the middle of texting him another message and he was typing away at the keypad with another desperate text when suddenly his phone rang with one of their favorite _Muse_ songs.  


_Madness_ electro tunes started to play the chords but he didn't have time to enjoy his favorite song, he immediately jumped at the sound of it and answered it, his voice shaking as he rambled his apologies and questions.

 

“Phil! Are you alright? Where are you? God, I’m so sorry, please don't hate me!”

 

He anxiously waited for Phil’s response and he held his breath when he heard movement on the other line. Dan heard a low groan and then a drunken chuckle, “Dannnnnyboy. You got some explainin’- can I get ‘nother shot please?”

 

Dan’s eyes widened but he bit back a small laugh.  Although he was very worried about his best friend safety at the moment, Phil never failed to make him laugh. Phil usually doesn’t touch alcohol unless he was their to make sure one or the other was making sure they were drinking safely and not too much. He had to admit that when Phil was drunk, it was hilarious seeing him stumble over his words and that red flush in his cheeks was irresistibly cute.

 

When he heard a crash on the other side, immediately he responded with rising alarm, “Phil, where are you? I’ll come and take you home.”

 

“No _Dannn….”_ Phil drawled on, making Dan even more worried for his best friend at the moment. “Seriously Phil where are you?” Dan spoke rather quickly.

 

His mind was deciphering where Phil would be at the moment. The only good thing about not having a car was that  both of them had to walk everywhere to get what they wanted and he knew there were two particular pubs nearby that sell alcohol that Phil likes at this hour.

 

Meaning, he had to walk towards the pubs himself and pick him up.  


Dan strained to listen to clue on in anymore hints of where Phil could be so he would save himself a trip if he went to the wrong one the first time. He really didn’t want to be out this late on the London streets.

 

Dan was going to ask Phil if he can tell him his surroundings when a loud holler interrupted him and yelled out “ _Bloody Mary, with an extra shot who ordered it”_ near the phone of Phil’s and Dan straightened, he knew exactly what place was known for half off Bloody Mary’s at this hour.

 

It was his best bet at this point to check that place out first. Dan quickly scurried to find some pants and his shoes, all while he balanced his phone between his shoulders and ear still trying to talk to him and convince him to stay there for now.

 

“Phil! Uh- stay there and don’t move, I’m coming to get you ok? It’ll be soon alright?”

 

Dan struggled to say as he concentrated putting back on his skinny jeans. He wiggled into them and embarrassedly, he let out a groan and started to breath heavily through his nose as he did so.

 

_God I need to work out..._

 

Dan was ripped from his private thoughts were broken by a drunken giggle that erupted from the phone, he had almost dropped the pair of sneakers he was holding out of surprise. Phil had been relatively quiet aside from the screaming in the background so he may have let out a small yelp because his ear was pressed right upon the speaker of the phone.

 

“No _Dannn-_ not until you- _hic-_ tell me why you - _hic-_ were so mean earl-” Phil didn't finish his sentence but instead Dan heard the faint chants of, “ _Chug! Chug! Chug!”_

 

One thing that Dan loved and hated about Phil was that he was drunk, it was safe to say he was a er- a _jealous_ and a _flirty_ drunk.

 

Throughout their years of friendship, they both alternated between a jealous and a flirty drunk. Sometimes Dan was a jealous drunk, getting possessive over Phil’s presence in others and keeping him in his vicinity and then getting upset when he sees Phil socializing with anyone- especially someone of the opposite sex- and then staying silent when Phil comes back to him.

 

To say he hated it was an understatement.

 

But what he hated more was when it was his turn to watch out for how much he was drinking, he has to resist the urge to drink more to drown his vision as Phil becomes the flirty drunk sometimes. And because it’s his turn to be sober, he’s forced to watch him try to flirt with everyone in the room. And what he loved about him being a jealous drunk, the times that Dan isn’t watching Phil, he comes up behind him and grabs him by the collar when he’s been ignoring him for a while.

 

The times it's happened he just awkwardly laughs as a heavy blush arises on his cheeks and neck. To the people he’s talking to, usually it being other fellow YouTubers or close friends, they give him smirks and knowing looks as he’s pulled away by Phil.

 

The way Phil acts, it's never failed to make Dan incredibly flustered and bashful because he didn’t know whether or not Phil meant his actions but…

 

Dan slammed the door as he hauled the keys to their apartment and locked it afterwards.

 

_He always forgets the next day_

 

Ten minutes later of walking, he was just now trying to convince Phil about not drinking any more sweet alcohol because Phil never realized when to stop drinking because those drinks have a ton of alcohol in it and Phil doesn’t just know that.

 

Especially when he’s this drunk. “Phil, maybe it would be best if you stopped drinking…”

 

“It's ok _Dannyboy_ \- _hic-_ ” Phil erupted in giggles because of his hiccups **.** “Gotta do this to forget, even if ‘ts for a little bit _-hic-.”_

 

Dan’s heart panged.

 

Phil? Forget?

 

_I messed up bad. The only reason he’s not yelling at me or hating me is because he’s drunk off his ass that he won’t even remember his own name by the time I get there. Shit-_

 

Dan almost missed how Phil mumbled into the phone and whispered quietly, all humour gone.

 

“I really miss you Bear.”  


 

On that sidewalk, Dan almost tripped over his own two feet by the way the world suddenly tilted and he gasped at the fact of how fast his breath escaped out of his lungs.

 

 _Bear..._ _He hasn’t called me that in forever_

 

“Phil…”

 

Dan croaked out, his voice suddenly hoarse. It was hard to speak and frankly he didn’t know how to respond, Phil usually calls him _Bear_ when it is for something intimate, personal even. Sometimes it slips out when Phil addresses him but whenever he does it never fails to make Dan’s heart stutter in his chest and skip a beat.

 

He hung his head, willing himself not to cry. Dan knew before the end of the night he was going to confess his feelings to get it off his chest, he couldn’t live on like this if every second of his life he was constantly around Phil and he had to play off his feelings.

 

It hurts, it truly does. Every damn day his heart lurches as he sits right beside Phil, his feet on the black coffee table while Phil’s feet is propped up in his lap and sometimes if Phil shifts or gets uncomfortable in that position, he moves and perches his head upon Dan’s shoulders. Once Phil’s finally asleep and he starts to snore lightly, Dan heart melts when he sings to him _goodnight_ and sets him down comfortably on the couch, bring a pillow and a cover with him so he can tuck him in.

  


Dan never had the heart to wake up down so he always tucks him the best he can and then gets on his knees to give a small kiss on Phil’s forehead. At these hours, anything he does with Phil is hushed and subdued, much more intimate if he were to do it in any other hour but this is the only time he can let his walls down.

  


This is the only time he can truly hold Phil’s hand and twiddle with it, playing with his fingers and intertwining them with his own, hopelessly imagining what it would feel like to have Phil’s conscious digits wrapped around his own hand.

  


His hands contrasts Phil’s, while Phil does have big hands, Phil’s own dwarf the size of Dan’s. Whenever he plays around with Phil hands, he’s always amazed of how delicate Phil’s hand looks compared to his.

  


After he’s done, sometimes, _sometimes,_ the fleeting thought of kissing Phil on his cheek comes to find his way to his conscience, but he always shakes it off before it ever gets stronger. He respects Phil and the most he would ever have the courage to do is a forehead kiss every once in awhile because that’s what Phil does to him when he’s upset and trying to comfort him.

 

That’s what friends do right?

 

They comfort each other like this?

 

Dan wasn’t so sure where the line between best friend ended and love began.

 

“Alright Philly…” Dan started but he glanced up to see the high moon. Shadows flickered in and out of his vision and he suddenly got the feeling of dread that settled in his stomach.

 

The YouTuber’s languid pace was high speed now, he wasn’t going to find out what was giving him that sense of dread. He spoke quickly into the buzzing phone.

 

“Just stay there, I’m going to come and get you. The drunken man on the other line just hummed and sighed in content, the alcohol finally giving im the airy feeling in his gut that Phil desperately was searching for.

 

“‘Urry up _Bear, -hic-_ I need _you.”_

 

Heart stuck in his throat, Dan's hand shook as he pressed the phone harder against his ear.

  


He wanted to hear those words whispered again, and again, and again till the end of time. Cursing himself on how pitiful he was hoping that a drunk off his ass Phil would mean those words, he missed the buzz of his phone that signified his phone was on low battery.

 

Still, his heart warmed at those words unintentional or not.

 

A small smile rose upon his lips as he pressed them together to whisper how sweet words back but just as he was going to do so, Dan’s phone buzzed for a final time and died, leaving him clutching the phone with his heart on the line.

 

Dan wanted to curse but instead he barely whispered into the now dead phone,

 

“ _I’m coming Lion.”_

 

Phil sounded so defeated and he needed him, though Dan couldn't understand why.

 

The words that he had said to Phil earlier still rang in his ears. He shook the thoughts from his head and focused on getting to Phil and getting to a place where he was safe. After running for a bit and almost dying when he neared the bar, he exhaled and took in deep breaths, once again chiding himself for not working out.

 

He finally reached the bar and sighed in relief. The flashing lights of multiple advertisements of half off happy hour prices and neon signs that said ‘open late’ of the bar glared back at him.

 

Dan winced as he inhaled the fumes of smoke that lingered near the door.  


There wasn’t smoking allowed indoors so all the smoke that lingered out here suffocated him as he made his way to the front door to pry it open and find the one person that was in the bar.

 

_This is going to be easy._

 

Dan rolled his eyes as his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. It looked like a typical bar, the center being a round setup that can deliver drinks and Dan had to appreciate how cozy the bar looked. His eyes scanned the environment, creeping over the heads and using his height as an advantage. He froze and let out a gasp. Quickly moving towards a suspiciously large crowd, a dreading feeling piling in his stomach.

 

 He then gasped loudly as when he turned around the corner; he was greeted by Phil, who was on top of a pool table with his shirt off dancing to a Katy Perry song.

 

Phil's hips swayed seductively, gyrating in the air with moves Dan didn't know he had. His chest listened his sweat and despite the cheery beat of the song playing in the background, he managed to work with the song and use it to his advantage to entrance the crowd around him. Phil was doing a damn good job about it.

 

Dan’s mouth dried up at the sight. It was as if someone shoved cotton balls in his throat and told him to swallow them. People around him were cheering and he slightly glared as he saw two girls making eyes at his man.

 

 _He isn't yours._ Dan chided himself while hurriedly walking over to Phil’s gyrating body. He had to stop and gawk at his best friend since this was a side that Dan never had seen- his fringe was swept up and Phil was swaying his hips to the music.

 

He seemed to be so into the song and he threw his hands up, edging the few watching on. “Phil!” Dan barked but alas his drunk best friend didn't hear him.

 

The hoots of the people were surprisingly loud and when he tried to move ahead,someone sloshed their drink onto his front.  
  


“You have to be fucking kidding me,” He grumbled angrily.

 

Dan wasn't a kind of guy to care about fashion but his shirt had an aesthetic feeling to it. He wanted to yell at the person who dumped it on him but he couldn't figure out who did it. It was beginning to get way too crowded as people cheered Phil on.

 

He sighed and then called for Phil yet again. Dan was tired and cranky from being separated from Phil too long and now that he was a only a few steps away from him, he wasn’t going to stop now. He ripped the crowed apart, channelling whatever irritation from what happened to his shirt and used his towering height to get by the crowd faster.  
  


Dan’s expression wasn’t something pretty, it was dark and one look from people who turned round to scold him and tell him to back off, they took one look and immediately backed down.

 

He reached Phil in no time and when he was a foot away from him, Dan grabbed Phil’s swaying arm  and hissed out,

 

“Phil, what the _hell_ are you doing?”

 

Dan was embarrassed that here he was, taking his best friend from a bar because he drank too much because of something he said to him.

 

His cheeks flushed red as he finally noticed the mass of people that had surrounded Phil and the tips of his ears were burning when he heard the whispers of drunken people that said things about them being together.

 

_Oh wow something must’ve happened for the guy’s boyfriend to come and pick him up._

_I wouldn’t mind hitting them both up_

_What a shame, he sure was a piece of eye candy, he’s got the body I wouldn’t mind taking home._

_Why is it that all the hot dudes are always gay?_

 

A flash of anger passed through him, how dare they have the nerve to say stuff like that to a person who had no clue of what they were doing. If it weren’t for Phil needing his help, he would’ve turned around and challenged to whoever said the lewd comments about them both.  
  


 

“ _Phil!_ Get your ass off the table, you’re causing a scene!”

 

The half naked Phil unintentionally set a smoldering look at the taller man, making Dan blush even harder as the grip on his arm tightened. Phil accented it and he stepped down, pressing his body against Dan while coming down.

 

Dan could smell the sweat and stench that came off of him, he knew that Phil was far past of being able to walk, much less stand on a pool table.

 

“Don’t be a prude _Dannyboy_ , ’m just havin’ _fuuuun_ ,” Phil slurred and reached for a drink someone held up as an offering to the dancing man.

 

Dan’s mouth fell open by the audacity of the man that handed him the drink. His protective nature flared for a second because he was _not_ going to let anything happen to him tonight, not on his watch.

 

Dan forcefully hit the drink out of Phil’s hands, feeling rather content with hearing the shot glass clatter to the ground. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s shoulders and held him up as he tried to find his shirt. When he didn’t find it around, he sighed.

 

_Well fuck, that shirt looked good on him._

 

Dan tried his best to ignore the wolf whistles that sounded when he reached for the zipper of his sweater. No way was he going to walk out with a shirtless Phil and if he was going to wear his sweater then so be it.

 

“I think you have had more than enough fun and drinks for the night.”

  
  


Dan wrapped his jacket and pulled on it tight to hide Phil’s body from the prying eyes. Phil’s eyes glinted as he watched Dan’s actions and cocked his head in confusion when Dan held his hand.  
  


“Come on, say goodbye.”

 

Phil pouted and he finally stopped shaking his arse in a seductive way to the music. Dan had to look away momentarily. _Pouty-face Phil_ had always been his weakness, even after all these years.

 

The way his best friend would slightly jut out his bottom lip and his eyes would get wide had an effect on Dan that he couldn't quite place. Phil was swaying as he pouted and Dan held him close as Phil was obviously to drunk to stand by himself. Then he leaned over by Dan’s face and whispered something in his ear but as the loud music was playing, Dan couldn't hear a word that Phil had uttered.

 

Phil’s lips brushed against the shell of his ear and Dan had to physically suppress a shudder as Phil murmured in his ear again. Dan fought the urge to close his eyes in response but he straightened and supported Phil and arranged his hold on him.

 

“How about we talk this out at home, okay Philly?”  
  


 

Phil nodded his head and then hiccuped, sending an unbearable smell of alcohol into the air; Dan had to force himself not to gag.

  
  


_I’m never drinking ever again_

 

All of the drunkards whined as Dan began to drag Phil out of the bar. Phil being the crowd pleaser he is spun around drunkenly yelled:

  
  


“The people love m’ Danny! I gotta stay and ‘ive ‘em what they want!”

 

Dan chuckled at this, it was entertaining watching the older man stumble as they walked out of the bar and into the darkness of the outside world. The clouded moon blocked some of the moonlight that shone on the sidewalk where they walked, making the street look long and perilous.

 

His grip on Phil automatically tightened further and Phil just grunted when he felt the pressure on his side tighten.  
  


They had a bit of a walk to get home but with every step, Dan feared having the inevitable conversation he was going to have with Phil.  

 

A few beats later and after a few moments of walking, Phil stopped abruptly, making Dan jerk forward at the sudden stop as he was holding Phil’s weight on his side.

 

Dan looked at his drunken best friend, expecting for him to call him out about their fight earlier that day but instead he mumbled, “I saw her today."  
  
  


“Saw who?” Dan inquired confused.  
  
  


“ _Her.”_

 

Dan’s heart stood still. He paused to regain his grip as he continued to trudge on forward.  
  


He chose to ignore how those words sent his stomach straight to the floor and left dragging across the dirty sidewalk as Phil spoke again.

 

“She was still _soooo_ pretty and seeing her made my heart hurt Bear.”'

 

“Leslie?” Dan asked sullenly.

 

The memories of the girl who almost stole Phil from him made his entire chest area constrict. He remembered all too well the sinking feeling he had anytime he would walk in on them cuddling on _their_ sofa and find her on _his_ spot on the couch. He remembered all too well. He also remembered the _all too well feeling_ of having to bit his lips together to not make a sound when he saw Leslie whisper in Phil’s ear. He remembered seeing Phil’s beautiful bright blue eyes flutter close as Leslie press her side up against Phil tighter and let out a small sigh of content.  
  


 

Dan had to run his nails down  the length of his arm to make a sound and fight the ball of white hot jealousy that erupted in gut when he tortured himself and saw Phil wrap his arms around her waist and press multiple kisses across her face, laughing all in the while.  
  


 

The possessiveness that coursed his body when she did so made him want to gag. It wasn’t anything compared to the times when they were together.

  
  


Alone.

 

The jealousy and pure embarrassment that erupted and bloomed across his face when he walked into Phil’s room to find them in a rather _intimate_ situation was something he was both envious and embarrassed about.

 

Dan snapped back to Phil when he hiccuped and burped.

  
  


Phil dumbly nodded and then hiccuped, “She tried to talk to me. I told ‘er no and then went to forget.”

 

Dan gave his friend a sad smile; it hurt him to see Phil in this much emotional pain but talking about Leslie hurt Dan as well. He had regrets about how their relationship ended that he would never admit to anyone.

 

“We’ll finish talking about this after we get home. We shouldn't be out on the streets this late, it’s dangerous.”  
  
  


Phil hiccuped and started to walk- well more like drag his feet as Dan carried all his weight. He didn’t mind though, if he can help phil in any way, he would do anything to make sure he was ok.  
  


They reached the flat in twenty minutes after having to stop more than once because Phil wouldn't stop stopping to dance and sing show tunes loudly to an imaginary crowd.  
  


Once they got inside and Dan pushed Phil up all the stairs they had, he set Phil on the couch and went to get him some water. He got a glass of water from the kitchen and got some medicine that would help with the pain later.  
  


Murmurs of a familiar song filled his ears as he walked near Phil and when he identified the song, he chuckled quietly to himself.  
  


Phil was drunkenly sing _The Internet is Here._  
  
  


He retreated back to the living room and hands Phil the water and said, “You need to drink this or you're going to hate yourself in the morning.”

  
  


Phil nodded and without a complaint like he usually does about taking medicine, he started to carefully sip the water. His entire body was buzzing and his hand shook as he drunk the water in consequence making the water was sloshing out of the cup and onto Dan’s black jacket.

 

Dan gave him a small grimace as he took the cup away, gently pushing Phil against the curve of the couch.  
  


“Let me get you a blanket, do you just want to sleep in here tonight?”

 

Phil was already half asleep but he could see he nodded slowly but Dan could plainly see him fighting sleep off. Phil yawned.  
  


“Why did you get so mad today? I just want love but all you want is hate.”

 

Phil’s blue eyes started to tear up again as his mouth started to twist into a forced smile. “ _Bear_ I just want you to support me.

 

Dan sighed and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for this. It was now or never that Phil knows the answer but he didn’t want to admit his feelings to someone who won’t even remember it the next morning but Dan knew he would never admit it to Phil when he was sober.  
  


 

If it meant keeping him close without his feelings messing up the relationship they had, then _hell_ he would keep it that way. He would never want to ruin a relationship just because of his stupid feelings towards his best friend.

  
  


“Phil remember the first time I saw you at the train station? How we both ran up to each other and tackled each other in a hug?”  
  


Dan paused to gain a breath. HIs whole body shook as he proceeded to spill his heart to Phil.    
  


“I knew once I held you in my arms, I was home. You were real, the one person that cared for  me enough to ask if I was ok or if I was happy.”  
  


Dan’s head tilted down. It was now or never.  
  
  


“The next few years that I’ve known you were the best years of my life, every day a a piece of my heart was stitched back together and slowly I realized I was falling for someone.  
  


 

He took a shaky breath when he felt Phil lean into his personal bubble, Phil had unconsciously placed his head on Dan’s shoulder and Phil muttered something intelligible that was muffled by Dan’s shoulder.

  
  


“When we were in the hospital and I woke up to find you passed out by my side with your head near my side holding my hand, I knew I had finally had fallen in love with someone, something I hadn’t thought was possible for me.”

 

Phil cuddled closer to him, as if sensing Dan’s emotional state but not really paying attention to what he was saying but instead playing with Dan’s fingers, he was enthralled by the softness of his palms.  
  


Dan coughed and continued.  
  


“Seeing you there by my side made my heart fall to my stomach and laugh because you cared enough for me to stay and not leave my side.”  
  


Dan brought his knees closer to his own chest but still Phil made an effort to stay near Dan.  
  


“I think that was all the information I need to know that you had captured my heart Phil Lester.”  
  


“You’re not going to remember this but I love you Philip. And I know you’ll never look at me like anything more than just a best friend but I love you, I hope you know that.”

  
  


Dan sighed.

 

It wasn’t as relieving as he hoped it would be but some pressure disappeared from his chest. “That’s why I can’t support you and Leslie.”

  
  


Phil tensed on his shoulder. Dan had a _oh shit_ moment.  
  
  


Everything went terribly in a matter of few seconds.  
  
  


The next thing Dan knew, he had Phil leaning over and throwing up all over his clothes and Dan yelled out, the one thing he couldn’t stand was vomit.  
  
  


_And this is what I get for confessing my love_   
  


_Thank the fucking Universe, Howell_  


Phil started to cry again as he saw his mess and he scrambled to the end of the couch, hyperventilating in his drunken state.  


He didn’t manage to get some on him but all over Dan and even though Dan was trying his best not to gag, he gently told Phil to follow him so they can change out of the clothes.

Gently and quietly to not disturb Phil, he told Phil to change and handed him his pajamas, carefully prying him off of him as he went to take a quick shower and change into something he can wear, he knew he was for sure not getting any sleep tonight and if anyone should get sleep it should be Phil.  


He never figured Phil was the clingy type of drunk too.

Once he got out of the shower, he led Phil to his room so he can lay down and rest, the time almost nearing two in the morning.

Phil, all comfortable in his clothes begged Dan to stay with him and it tore his heart to do this but Dan had to get him some comfort food so he wouldn’t have a bad hangover in the morning.

“Let me get you some tea and cookies so we can talk about this ok?”  


Many thoughts crossed Dan’s mind when his body grew accustomed to the flooding feeling of despair that coursed throughout his veins.  

He was dying on the inside, seeing the love of his life sob in the other room, seemingly incapable of controlling his own emotions as he cried into his bed. Loud racking sobs grew louder when he opened the door to Phil’s room, a cup of tea and a cookie in his left hand to try to ease Phil’s distressing cries.  


He wasn’t sure how having tea and cookies worked to calm someone but from experience from Phil, it seemed to work.  


Dan neared his friend, his heart in his throat when he flicked the light on.

 

Phil’s face appeared back by the light, seeing the tears streak down his face and the swell of his red cheeks as they were rubbed raw by wiping the free falling tears away.

 

Dan set the cookies and tea down by his bedside, automatically grabbing Phil’s hand and cupping it with his own. He got on his knees and started to play with his fingers again to try to calm him down.

 

He tried to soothe his cries by running the pad of his thumb over Phil’s knuckles, over and over again the roughness of his thumb delicately easing Phil’s hiccuping cries. His cries turned to hiccups and those hiccups turned to sniffles  and once Phil was distracted enough from what he was feeling, Dan leaned closer to Phil.

  


The smell of the bar was finally dismissed, all that was left the lingering smell of the mint mouthwash Phil used to wash out the taste of the alcohol. Dan gave Phil a fond small smile, even now he wanted nothing more but than wrap Phil in a big blanket and pull him close to him.

 

Phil had other ideas. He used his blanket and raised it up to his cheeks, hiding in it like a small child would. The tips of his ears were stained red, embarrassed by the fact that he was crying in front of Dan and that he couldn’t control the snot that was running down his face.

 

“ _Dan go away I don’t want you seeing me like this.”_

 

Dan emotions were a wreck and he knew it. He weakly smiled.

 

He didn't want to upset Phil further but if he wanted him out of the room then so be it. Dan kneeled down to his side, wanting to give him a proper goodnight, but when he reached down to tuck him in, Phil lunged for his shoulders and brought him down for a hug.

 

Dan gasped when Phil placed a cold kiss on his neck that sent shockwaves through his body and then proceeded proceeded to bury his head into the crook of his neck.

 

He was torn-

 

Dan wanted to continue and obey Phil’s wish and even though Phil was drunk, Dan respected his wish and left the room after tucking him in and turning off the lights. He smiled to himself because in a way he finally got what he wanted and told his feelings to his best friends but it was bittersweet because he would face the consequences of his actions later.  


But for right now, he would let sleep overtake his body and lull him to a dreamless state, the thought of Phil sleeping in the room under him comforted him enough to pass out.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's falling,
> 
> falling,
> 
> f  
>  a  
>  l  
>  l  
>  i  
>  n  
>  g . . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I, and hearteyehoweller don't know how to write about a hungover Phil so excuse us for the beginning 
> 
> Anyways, triggers: (just in case)  
> -talks about brief sentence about depressions the end  
> -descriptive mention of heartbreak

 

Pain.

 

Horrendous pain.

 

Searing light entered Phil's retinas when he opened his eyes and he immediately gasped in pain as he felt his nerves jolt behind his eyelids. 

 

Phil clutched his eyes and moaned in agony as he felt his eyes behind his eyelids throb in beat to how he was covering them to ease the pain he was feeling.

 

_ Crap. _

 

He stayed still for a few minutes, trying to get adjusted and tolerate the sudden spears of pain that erupted whenever he moved the slightest inch. 

 

Once he felt he was good enough, he hauled the covers over his head and he thanked whatever deity there was that his duvet was thick enough to make under the covers pitch black; the sunlight that filtered down windows proved to be no match to his covers. 

 

He let his eyes rest as he stared off into the darkness that was underneath his covers and tried to desperately remember what had happened last night that caused him pain like this.

 

_ I only drink when I'm over the line upset so what caused me to…. _

 

A sudden sneeze erupted from Phil and it startled him, making him yell as his head erupted with sparks of pain and forced his back to hit his headboard.

 

Consequently as he recovered and wiped off his snot hand, it made his presence known to the person in the room next to his.  

Shuffling through his night table for a napkin to blow his nose, Dan had got up and started to pace out of nervousness.

 

With dark bags underneath his eyes and his lip swollen from how much he was nibbling and picking at it from nerves, he hesitated when he glanced back at his door.

 

He heaved a sigh as his insides tumbled once more out of pure and plain nerves. 

 

When his head started to throb once again, Dan pressed his fingers against his temples until it ceased for the time being. 

 

He hadn't really come to terms that he  _ finally  _ admitted to Phil his feelings and as much as he hoped he hasn't remembered, a small part of him was guarding a small ray of hope that somehow miraculously Phil remembered and he would confront him about it.

 

He wanted  _ something _ to happen in between them and if he was driven to maddening silence like this for longer, he was afraid that he might snap by how many emotions ran through his system. 

 

A soft groan made it past his lips as he recalled last night. 

 

Dan can still feel the tingle on his lips when they pressed upon Phil's baby soft skin; he was certain he would never forget the tender moment of yesterday night.

 

It was the closest he was ever going to get ever being the close with Phil. 

 

The hand holding, the sweet nothings of promises that Dan had whispered when Phil lay upon him, and most importantly the love that radiated off of him in that moment was something he was going to savor. 

 

Because when would he ever have that chance again? 

 

A  _ beep  _ from his side drew his attention back to his computer and with a shock, he realized how much he was lost in his thoughts. 

 

The video he was editing before Phil awoke was long gone from his mind as he stood up and played with the sleeve of his jacket, it was a nervous habit he had when he was unsure about a certain situation. 

 

He was nervous. Nervous for Phil and his reaction. Nervous for his own ability to maintain his cool in front of Phil because this may be the last straw for their friendship. 

 

How was someone supposed to act when they confessed their love to them when they won't be able to remember it? 

 

Was he supposed to forget that ever happened?

 

Would he be able to go back to the way he was with Phil?

 

Dan had no clue.

 

But what he was sure is that he was doing to try the hardest he could to keep his secret to himself and only himself.

 

With a sigh he opened his door and made his way to Phil's bedroom. Dan paused for a second, hesitant about entering his room. 

 

“Phil, are you alright?” 

 

He opened his mouth to respond with a yell saying ‘yeah’ but a wire clicked into place into his head, jogging everything into place. 

 

Dan.

 

_ Dan.The argument. _

 

Oh frickle frackle.

 

Coffee shop. Seeing a girl.  _ Ah crap _

 

_ LESLIE _

 

Phil let out an audible groan. 

 

_ Sweet butter on a biscuit I'm gonna screw this over _

 

Phil balled the bedsheets in his hands and gripped them hard, beads of sweat forming on his forehead and back because of how in the world was he going to confront all of... _ this. _

 

He knew that whatever had happened last night, he had really messed up. 

 

_ No surprise there Lester- _

_ You always do that when you're drunk _

 

“Phil,” 

 

His attention was drawn away from his mind to the doorway. A voice called and Phil squinted his eyes, trying to avoid seeing any light in his room that the curtains were letting in. 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

He raised his hand to shield the light coming from the back of Dan. 

 

“Are you ok,”

 

Dan questioned when he saw Phil's throw up face. He did  _ not  _ look ok. 

 

His face was scrunched and I looked a bit of green keeping aside his usual paleness. He was sweating balls and looked like a mess with his tinted red eyes and dry drool face. His fringe was pushed back making it look like he was sporting a quiff but in reality it was his usual bed head.

 

He crossed his arms and tried to act cool as he usually does. 

 

Phil squirmed and shut his eyes to regain his sense of balance. When he opened them, to his surprise and albeit of worry, Dan made no move to help him. 

 

_ You don't need him to help you in every way Lester- _

_ Man up, get some medicine for your head _

 

“Yeah-just a bit shaken up,” He grunted out as the pulsing grew stronger. Phil looked up again and made his way to his door, all in the while keeping his eyes on Dan and trying to decipher what he was thinking. 

 

Dan was standing in the entrance of his bedroom door and there was look on his face that he couldn’t quite place.

 

The ground seemed to sway underneath his feet when he eased his hand on the opposite side of where Dan stood in his door frame.

 

He let out a groan when the floor seemed to spin. 

 

“Dan,” Phil muttered as he gripped his own body in an attempt to steady himself. 

 

His insides were tumbling with the alcohol and when he glanced up at Dan to see him pressing his side against his door frame, an unknown expression on his face that he couldn't identify sent his stomach spiraling to his feet. 

 

He knew then that something had happened last night; he looked up at Dan. Mouth dry, he asked quite harshly, “What the fuck happened last night?”

 

His best friend looked surprised at Phil’s language. He  _ never  _ uses foul language and when he does it's always when he's angry or overwhelmed.

 

By what Dan can tell, he was neither but he cautious either way when he saw Phil stumbling towards him with a  _ wtf  _ expression. Whatever the case may be, Phil didn't seemed pleased that Dan wasn't answering his question.

 

“What do you remember from last night?” 

 

Dan tensed as he asked that question. 

 

_ Should I mention what happened with Leslie?  _

 

Dan knew he was too unhealthy dependent on Phil's constant presence around him. 

 

He knew. 

 

He knew very well how jealous he gets when there's another person in Phil's life. 

 

He knew that because Phil was  _ literally  _ everything in his life, it would one day come back and bite him in the ass if he didn't fess up 

 

But he was petrified.

 

He hoped that Phil didn't remember his confession of love, because if he did nothing would ever be the same. 

 

He could picture it now; their conversations would become awkward, then Phil would start avoiding Dan in their own house. Finally he would move out because no one in their right mind would want to live with a person who was madly in love with them.

 

“Dan?” Phil said in a questionable voice.

 

He shook the thoughts out of his head and looked back at Phil, “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

 

“I said that the last thing I remember is- um, seeing Leslie.”

 

Phil looked heart broken as he finished his sentence. Dan wished to have said the words last night so Phil wouldn't have seen her again. It had obviously caused unsettled feelings to arise again. 

 

Regret flashed into Dan’s mind but he ignored it for the time being. He gulped and squeezed his eyes and he asked the question on his mind.

 

“So, you remember…the fight?”

 

Dan bit his lip nervously, knowing that whatever Phil was about to say wasn't going to be pretty.  Their fight had been ugly; things were said in the heat of the moment that they both regretted. 

 

“Let's not talk about that for now… I just want some pain pills and to know what happened after I saw her in the coffee shop.”

 

Dan sighed in relief before sitting on the edge of Phil’s bed.

 

“Well, should I start at the part where I got to the bar and you were playing stripper on a pool table or your reenactment of Broadway show tunes on the way home?”

 

Phil’s eyes widened before laughing, he couldn't believe what drunk Phil had gotten himself into.

 

Dan continued to tell the story of what happened last night, skipping over their conversation where he admitted his feelings. 

 

Soon the room was full of laughter and gasps of disbelief on behalf of Phil; everything that happened the night before disappeared from their minds as they went along with their day.

  
____________________________________________  
  


Three weeks later, Phil was waiting outside of one of his favorite restaurants with a single purple flower in his sweaty hands. 

 

His hands were clammy as he gripped the flower. Call his ambitions high but he was hoping this was who he would be able to call his one and only. 

 

He let out a nervous sigh and was interrupted by a voice  his thoughts

 

“Phil Lester?”

 

Startled, he turned around. 

 

“You must be Kristen,” He smiled, slightly checking her out. He side glanced the outfit she wore. To say in the least, it was a bit provocative. 

 

Kristen wore a fishnet top that had a colorful design of various stripes and different patterned flowers. It would have been a lot more pleasing to look at the pattern is of it weren't for the fact that her breasts were almost falling out of the tight shirt.

 

He wasn't going to judge at all, but it was a bit distracting when his eyes rested on her natural makeup that highlighted her eyes and all her saw were her breasts. She was very pretty but the clothes she wore along with the high rise shorts were very distracting to him.

 

“It's nice to meet yo-”

 

His eyes bulged out of his head as she leaned in and captured his lips before he pulled away bewildered.

 

Phil looked at her, surprised. It had been awhile since he had been on a date, but he was positive that most first dates did not start off with a kiss. 

 

Kirsten looked at him, almost predator like. She flirtatiously bit her lip; smirking as Phil was began to wonder if this date was a good idea.

 

He shook the thought out of his head. He wasn't going to judge at first glance 

 

_ No, I have to give her a chance _

 

Looks can be deceiving and hopefully they would have some sort of connection and after that conversation could come easy. He settled for a smile and opened the door to the restaurant, albeit hesitantly as his voice stuttered. 

 

“Uh, let's go get something to eat…”

 

Kristen strut in front of Phil and he gulped as he got a eyeful of her arse as she winked and walked into the restaurant. 

 

_ Dear god _

 

He walked in behind her and she let the door slam behind her, nearly hitting Phil straight in the face. He jumped back on instinct; his mind automatically drawing conclusions of her based on her actions. 

 

Phil drew a breath and he led her small figure to a window seat. 

 

When they are seated and gave their orders, Phil nervously glances at her before speaking.

 

“So, tell me about yourself. Where do you work, what are your hobbies?” He asked inquisitively. A heavy pause came when he felt her trace the top of his right hand. 

 

Cringing internally, he casually stretched and put his hands on his lap, hoping that would deter her. 

 

_ Stop being so awkward, Phil _

 

“Well, I’m a dancer,” She basically purred.

 

Phil chuckled nervously as her feet entangle his underneath the table, but he didn't want to seem rude and move. He hoped his face didn't show how uncomfortable he was at the moment. 

 

“What kind of dancing do you do?” His eyes drifted to the kitchen, hoping their meal would come soon. 

 

“An exotic dancer.” she answered with a lopsided smile, all in the while she slumped back into the seat. 

 

_ “ _ I can show you some moves if you want me to.” Kristen flirted and winked at the blue eyes man in front of her. 

 

_ “ _ Uh, there's no need.” He chuckled nervously while scratching the nape of his neck.

 

“Uh I-… I make videos for a living.”

 

She seemed interested in that and he didn't understand why her eyes went dark with something he couldn't quite place. A coy smile rose on her lips.

 

He was about to ask her something else when the waiter came, serving their food. Phil knew the waiter that served him just because of how often he came here with Dan so when Jason, the waiter, made eye contact with him, he just gave him a desperate look. 

 

He swears he saw angels singing at the sweet diversion of the awkward meal. He stared across the table and saw she was generally unbothered by the entire conversation. 

 

That was taken back however when he saw her plate. 

 

Phil’s eyes widened as he saw what was on her plate. He had come to this place many times with Dan as a treat for both of them so he knew the menu off of the back of his hands; so he knew that the platter of food in front of Kristen was definitely not cheap.

 

He checked his wallet, hoping that he had his credit card because he definitely didn't have enough euros on him to pay for her meal. 

 

As they silently began eating, one of Kristen’s hands were slowly inching up his thigh. He gulped and grabbed her hand, just so he could eat in peace. 

 

She seemed satisfied with that so he held her hand for the remainder of the meal in hope that it ended soon. Gulping, he avoided eye contact with her as she displayed a rather vocal appreciation of the food. 

 

One part of his body jumped in attention but although his body was slightly turned on by her maneuvers, the rest of him definitely was not. 

 

_ I’m so not taking her on a second date  _

 

He grimaced when he finished his meal and he ripped his hand away from hers as if it were on fire. Quickly he spotted out a waiter and asked for the bill. 

 

The waiter and him made eye contact and then he disappeared to the kitchen to get what he asked. Phil sighed in relief. He was close to going home and away from this place. 

 

That was until she spoke after pushing her plate away from her body. 

 

“So, want to come over my house after this?”

 

He gave her a confused look, not knowing what she meant and then it hit him. Of course that's what it was.

 

_ This is why your entire fan base thinks you are so innocent. _

 

She most certainly not asking him over to play video games or to have a pleasant conversation after their first date. As he thought firsthand.

 

No, this girl was asking for sex- more specifically sex with him.

 

“I would love to, except that I have plans with my friend right after this…” He stated.

 

Phil gave her a fake smile, hoping she’d believe his white lie.

 

“Excuse me, I have to use to loo.”

 

Phil nodded and sighed in relief as she walked off. In fact, he was so relieved that he didn't even see her walking out of the doors with his wallet in her grimy little hands.

 

He waited for her to come back. He honestly did. But when she didn't return after twenty minutes, his shoulders sagged in defeat.

 

Phil figured that she had left and decided to just pay the bill, so he could go home and mope. But as he reached in his pocket for his wallet and noticed that it wasn't there, he mentally cursed Kristen out.

 

_ That fucking bitch, how the fuck am I going to pay for the meal? _

 

Begrudgingly, he pulled out his phone and opened his messages with Dan. He hesitated at his keyboard, wondering if Dan would be upset with him. 

 

_ Fuck it I have nothing else to lose _

 

**To: Internet Hobo**

**Draft:** _I need your help. Kristen stole my wallet and I have no way of paying for the meal. Can you come down here and help me pay? I'll make sure to pay you back._

 

He bit his lip as he sent the message. Phil usually didn't get aggravated but this was ridiculous. He wants to give this a honest to god shot to be able to love and it was his luck that he ended up here.

 

Confused, mad, and mildly disgusted with himself. 

 

And most importantly, wallet-less. 

 

He shook his head and made a mental note to cancel his credit card and debit card that was in his wallet.

 

He didn't carry a lot of cash on him and all that was in his wallet was enough euros for a date and his credit cards. 

 

He was ripped from his thoughts when he felt his phone buzzing and the Pokemon theme song rang from his phone, making him jump and automatically accept the call. 

 

“Hello?” 

 

_ “You're shitting me Phil, you did not let your wallet get stolen by your date.” _

 

Phil resisted the urge to roll his eyes even though Dan wouldn't have been able to see them in the first place. 

 

“She did and I'm stuck here at  _ Valkanies  _ unable to pay. The waiter Jason, you remember him? The one with the awesome stache? Yeah he's giving me looks.” 

 

A bubble of laughter erupted from the other side of the phone and Phil was unable to resist a small smile at his laugh. It was infectious. 

 

“ _ Alright alright. I'm coming soon, don't worry just let me put on a jumper, it's freaking cold outside. My nipples are freezing.”  _

 

A smile rose on his lips. Dan never failed to make him feel better. 

 

“Thanks Dan. Also, can you stay on the line with me? I feel the need to rant to you about what she did.” Phil picked at the strand of loose string on his graphic t-shirt.”

 

The line went silent and Phil pressed the phone harder against his ear, thinking it was because Dan pulled the phone far from his face. 

 

_ “Sorry Phil my phone's almost dead and I'm just putting my shoes and shit on. I'll be there in fifteen minutes give or take. See you in a bit.”  _

 

A beep signified the end of the call and Phil pulled the phone away from his ear, looking at it wildly. 

 

He sounded so monotone when he said that and Phil was confused. 

 

Did Dan actually leave him? 

 

He never leaves his phone uncharged just because of how his life revolves around it. 

 

Mildly bothered, he opened his phone and turned on his data. Immediately his phone lit up and buzzed to life as his notifications lined up at the top. 

Ignoring it for now, he opened up  _ Crossy Road  _ and attempted to beat his high score of 296 once and for all. He passed the time playing it. 

 

Phil was concentrating on jumping on lilypads when he felt someone seat themselves in front of him. 

 

Cursing as his pony fell into the water, he raised his eyes to meet Dan's brown ones. 

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey yourself.” 

 

Suddenly aware of Dan's heavy breathing, he giggled as he lightly kicked Dan's feet with his own. 

 

“Did you run here?” Phil asked curious. 

 

Dan was already winded from his jog here and his cheeks were flooded with blood, making his neck and entire face flush. His skin had a light sheen to it. 

 

“No.” He obviously lied. 

 

“ _ Riiiiight.” _ Phil teased. 

 

Dan shot him a glare from across the table. 

 

“At least I didn't lose my wallet  _ Lester _ .” 

 

Phil kicked him underneath the table. 

 

“Too soon Howell.” 

 

Dan have him a radiant grin in return.

 

“So shall we get out of here madam?”

 

“You're paying.” 

 

Dan rolled his eyes as he walked up to the counter to pay for Phil's date and his meal. Phil stood at the door and he saw Dan pass his credit card to the cashier. His face dropped at the price and he closed it quickly, entering his pin number and saying goodbye. 

 

His eyes met Phil's as he passed by him. They both walked out the restaurant and proceeded to walk their journey home. 

 

The silence was broken by Dan. 

 

“I hope this date was worth it because I just paid for a meal three times more expensive than what we usually get here.” 

 

Phil winced. “Yeah I know, I'm sorry. She wasn't the one for me. At least not what I had in mind” 

 

“I'm hoping that I’ll meet the right one next time.” He mentioned absentmindedly. 

 

There was silence once again.

 

Cars drove by them, illuminating the night for a few seconds and then disappearing right after them. Luckily, the moon was out so it wasn't  _ completely _ dark on the way home. 

 

“So how was your time without me by your side?” Phil joked, forcing conversation to happen. 

 

“Okay.” 

 

Phil's lips tightened at the one word reply. 

 

“What did you do while I was gone?” He nudged him to answer the question, this time expecting a response from the brunet. 

 

Dan sighed. “I was editing the Sims video and then went scrolling on Tumblr for a bit. I was going to cook dinner for myself when you called.”

 

“Oh.”

 

There was no emotion in his voice as much as Phil could tell. But nothing seemed wrong. 

 

Still, Phil was unnerved by the dark and sudden silence between him and Dan. It wasn't often he didn't have much to say when he was around Dan. 

 

Phil fidgeted as he walked side by side with him, stepping ever so closely to him whenever they passed dark alleyways.

 

He walked silently with him, growing ever more uncomfortable by the silence. It was unnatural for Dan to remain this quiet. He know Dan's mood swings click on and off like a switch but they usually have a trigger that caused it. 

 

He couldn't see problem or even if there was one to begin with. Gulping down his nervousness, he walked closer to him, their hands occasionally touching. 

 

“Dan?” 

 

“Yeah?” Dan answered, carefully eyeing the dark spots for both of their safety. 

 

He slipped his left hand with Dan's right and squeezed tightly. 

 

“Are you okay?” 

 

Dan stopped right in his tracks and almost mechanically removed his hand from Phil's. 

 

“Yeah I'm fine.” 

 

“You don't sound fine.”

 

Dan opened his mouth to report but he closed it as he looked into Phil's doe eyes. Biting down his feelings, he walked forward and put his hands in his coat pockets desperately trying to ignore the pulling of his heart strings as he walked further from Phil. 

 

“Come on Phil.”

 

Like someone lit a fire under his feet, Phil ran next to Dan purposely trying to get as close to him as possible. 

 

Dan in the meantime was walking fast, trying to desperately to avoid confrontation once more from him. 

 

“Dan, hold up.”

 

Dan stopped in his tracks immediately, turning around to see his best friend walk next to him. He pretended not to notice the hurt that was plainly evident in Phil's bright blue eyes. 

 

“I'm sorry it's been a rough night.” 

 

Phil nodded his head, trying not to feel too hurt about his best friends actions but it stung. 

 

Sighing, Dan forced a smile and lightly hit Phil's elbow with his. 

 

“Come on, tell me how your date went.”

  
  


_______________________________________

  
  


“So not only did I not notice that she took my wallet but she left to use the loo and never came back.” Phil finished laughing. 

 

A burst of laughter came from Dan, involuntarily making Phil grin. 

 

“I hate to tell you this Phil, but I told you so.” Dan trailed off, more focused on walking home but half listening to Phil's story. 

 

Phil froze. A flicker of bitterness came from within him when Dan said them. Dropping his smile, he couldn't help but retort to Dan's answer quite harshly. 

 

“I still want to try again, I'm not giving up just like that.” 

 

The words hung in the air. Dan quickly inhaled and quite rapidly his expression shifted. His smile came clean off his face and he steeled himself for the brewing fight in the air. 

 

“I didn't mean it that way Phil.” He said quickly, almost robotically of how devoid of emotion he was now. 

 

“I know I may not be the best at making good decisions but I would appreciate if you helped me Dan, you mean a lot to me and it hurts that you won't do this for me.” He stopped walking and looked at the ground. 

 

“You're my best friend Dan, look- I'm sorry if this bothers you but we can find someone for you too at the the same time if you want. You deserve the best and I just want us both to be happy.” Phil rambled on as Dan remained silent. 

 

“ _ I just want someone to love. _ ”

 

He grabbed Dan's hand and wrapped it around his. 

Phil squeezed their hands together and rubbed the pad of his thumb over Dan's knuckles. 

 

“I need your help more than ever Dan. Can you help me?” He pleaded, looking at right into Dan's brown eyes, challenging Dan to look away. 

 

“Please?” Tears shone at the edge of Phil's eyes. 

 

He looked at Dan's feet, waiting for a reply. 

 

“Ok Phil. I'll help you.”

 

Phil inhaled quickly and his eyesight snapped back up to meet Dan's eyes. They were glossy but he searched Dan's eyes for confirmation. 

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes really.”

 

Next thing Dan knew, he had Phil latch onto his body in a hug. Phil pressed his face to the area where his neck met the junction of the slope of Dan's own shoulder. Unconsciously, he nuzzled his neck. 

 

“Thank you Dan.” He whispered into the fabric of Dan's coat. 

 

“Thank you…” he squeezed Dan harder, his hands wrapping around the base of Dan's neck. 

 

Automatically, Dan rested his hands against the small of Phil's back, numb to the suffocating hug he's receiving from Phil. 

 

_ I can't ever be what Phil wants in his life _

 

The thought repeated over and over in his head like a goddamn mantra. Unbeknownst to Phil, Dan was in another world. Separate from Phil. Separate from this hug. 

 

He hated how well his hands wrapped around Phil's. He hated how Phil looked at him with those concerned baby blue eyes. He hated how he couldn't resist Phil's hurt look. Most of all, he hates how even now, his heart hammered in his chest as he signed his death warrant to his heart. 

 

Two tears slipped down his cheeks and landed on the top of Phil's forward when Dan pressed his cheek on top of his head. Dan clutched Phil like he was his own life line and yet, he was right. Phil was his lifeline. 

 

“I'll always be here for you. No matter what.” 

 

Phil was oblivious from the double entendre of the words meaning. 

 

Dan pressed Phil into a deeper hug, unwilling to let him go get and have him leave him forever. 

 

Phil was oblivious of how much Dan truly loved him. 

Dan dug his cheek to Phil's neck and bit his lip to stop crying. Phil gently stroked Dan's hair in a fond way, not paying attention to how Dan was feeling. 

 

“I love you Dan, I truly do.”

 

And with that, Dan's heart shattered into thousands of fine pieces, too broken to ever be put back together. 

 

“I love you too Phil.”

 

His voice sounded hollow, echoing as if it came from another person but that was good enough for Phil.

 

Gingerly, Phil led Dan forward and broke their hug. He tugged on his arm and states walking home again. Grinning ear to ear, he led forward with a smile. 

 

Behind him, Dan was in a torrent of emotions. Caught up in a sea of denial and hopelessness. Drowning in his own depressing thoughts about losing his soulmate. 

 

But that didn't matter now. 

 

Nothing did. 

.

“Come on Dan, let's hurry home.” 

 

“Home…” He repeated softly.

 

Funny how a word that brought so much comfort and happiness sharing it with someone would be the word that crippled him the most. 

 

Funny how he thought he actually stood a chance. 

 

Home was with Phil. 

 

Home was what he felt with him. 

 

And now, home left a bitter taste in his mouth, knowing that he'll have to say goodbye to everything he's ever known.

 

Hands ghosting Phil's warm one, he shuddered at the way coldness seeped into every crevice of his body, unable to feel anything but the swirls of  harsh realization that he could never be with who he loves. 

 

The word ‘home’ and his dependence on Phil were shattering underneath his feet, his whole world converting back into a lifeless color of black and greys, unable to think in color without Phil by his side. 

 

Dan's hand dropped from Phil's and he dug his nails into the skin of his left hand, making deep half moon marks. 

  
_ This is real _


	6. And The Hopeful Light Blinds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...uh surprise? After leaving I honestly did try to get inspiration to write, but both Hearteyehoweller and I got stuck with a horrible writers block and didn't know where to go with it. But now, we're back and better than ever and armed with some gut wrenching angst planned for you all.
> 
> Well, I have chapter 7 planned out so expect a quick update! Leave some comments and ideas, we would love to hear from you all!! It literally makes our day when we read your comments! <3

_ What did I do wrong? _

_ Could I have done something better?  _

_ Was it all my fault? _

 

Phil sighed as he hugged himself. Harsh light from the bathroom washed out his other nice features, but made his red and swollen eyes prominent and look terribly ghast compared to his soft white skin. He glanced at his reflection in the bathroom mirror one more time, dreading the way his first date in forever had ended out with him crying on his bathroom floor like some teengaer whose crush just ditched.   

 

He sniffled constantly, his nose was runny and irritated as he used his shirt sleeve to wipe it away hastily, causing the tip of his nose to hurt. The coldness of the tile floor provided little comfort and detachment from his whirling thoughts about the massive fail of a date. 

 

In his mind, he asked those dreaded questions over and over again, ingraining them in his thoughts that he wasn’t worth dating and that he couldn’t even function as a proper human being and find love like every other person on the planet.

 

He looked back into the mirror, letting a few tears fall from his eyes and finally letting the disappointment from the failed date settle in. Phil had honestly really thought that this girl would have been the one, the one he can hold, love, and cherish forever. 

 

He should’ve realized that the gut feeling he had gotten when Kristen had messaged him asking if they could meet up in the first place, but he was too blinded with the fact that this was going to be perfect. 

 

He had wanted to find someone so badly that he decided that the first girl to come along must be the one. 

 

Phil hit the side of his head once and hung his head down in between his knees. His lower lip trembled as he tried to withhold his tears once more. 

 

_ I’m so stupid _

 

He knew he should have gotten to get to know her before they met in person but she was so nice over message and her dating profile seemed so genuine. They seemed to have the same interests, such as watching films and apparently she had a liking for house plants too.

 

_ Why hadn't I asked her about those things?  _

 

He couldn't help but wonder if the date would have gone differently if he had talked more, flirted more. Maybe if he had just been more open to new things, such as going over her house- Maybe they would have connected more. 

 

Phil shook the last thought from his head ripping himself from that scenario. He would've hated himself more after he went home and he wouldn’t want to do that to someone he had just met an hour before.  

 

Kristen hadn't wanted to connect. 

 

She probably had only come on the date for the food and for a one night stand.

 

_ She was using you, Phil. _

 

A part of him wanted to scream because he actually fell for it. He chuckled darkly and without any humour, he was such a fool in believing that he would actually fall in love with someone that blindly. His demeanor changed quickly, the disappointment he had just been feeling passed and a new feeling replaced it. 

 

His fists clenched and he gritted his teeth. 

 

_ Anger.  _

 

_ No, he was furious. _

 

He was upset at Kristen for stealing his wallet, he was furious at the dating website for placing the two of them together. But mostly, Phil was furious at himself. Disappointed, as well. Phil mentally cursed himself out, Phil knew that he was the one to blame for the entire ordeal and it made him even angrier.

 

_ You shouldn't have been gone out _

 

_ It's all your fault that the date was a flop _

 

_ You are such a fucking idiot _

 

He felt rage bubbling in his chest and as he looked at the mirror, he saw his reflection staring back with narrowed eyes that were so rigid and cold that it snapped him back into reality. He jumped, momentarily surprised by his own wrath and he winced, opening his hand to find a deep crescent moon made from his nails inside his inner palm. 

 

The ebony haired man started to shiver and he hugged himself tighter, trying his hardest to not think about the date.

 

A quiet knock came from the other side of the door, startling him and his thoughts away for now. 

 

“Hey Phil…”

 

A soft voice came from the other side of the door. 

 

“Do you want to play some intense battles of Mario Kart with me?” 

 

He had to smile at Dan’s attempt to cheer him up, his hesitant voice was clear through the wooden door.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be out in a bit,” Phil yelled loudly from behind the closed door.

 

“Phil, are you okay in there?” Dan tapped softly, knocking on the door and not wanting to disturb him.He didn't answer for a moment; his mind was still  going a mile a minute. 

 

Phil shook his head and headed to open the door, pausing at the handle. He considered telling Dan everything wasn't fine but he couldn't do that to him. Phil forced a smile on his face when he opened the door to look at Dan’s surprised face. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

  
  


“Take that, Lester!” Dan yelled obnoxiously at the screen as his Mario drove past Phil’s Yoshi character.

 

They had been playing for over an hour and Dan had been declared this week household champ; meaning that Phil had to make dinner for the remainder of the week. 

 

This had been a tradition for the two men for quite a few years; once a month they would challenge each other to a gaming marathon and whoever won ten times in a row got to choose something for the other to do- housework wise.

 

Usually Dan won though, because he told Phil that he couldn't use his ‘All or nothing’ technique anymore. But there were times that Phil would beg and it was so hard for Dan to tell Phil no… Especially when he gave him that sad puppy dog look that especially made Dan weak to his knees and  _ almost  _ cave.

 

Dan’s mind wandered to thoughts of Phil and soon he was staring straight at Phil with a grin on his face. His best friend was staring at the screen with a small smirk on his face and his eyes were slightly squinted- this was his game face and Dan loved it.

 

He looked at the way the skin around Phil’s eyes crinkled as he squinted and how his smirk twitched slightly since he was trying to keep a straight face. 

 

“Yes!” Phil exclaimed out of nowhere, making Dan jump.

 

He looked at the screen and Phil had won the round; noticing this Dan screamed loudly, making Phil laugh. The scream and laughter  echoed around the room and a bang coming from the other side of the wall told him that they were being too loud again. 

 

“Sorry,” Dan muttered quietly, causing Phil to laugh even more. The two of them continued to play for a bit more until Dan realized Phil wasn't staring at his screen anymore- Instead he was on his phone.

 

“Are we done playing now?”

 

Phil didn't answer, he had a troubled look on his face. His forehead was creased between his eyebrows and the worry lines that appeared when he was angered by something created valleys that showed his weary state.

 

“Phil…” Dan cautiously said, putting his hand on the older man’s arm. 

 

Dan moved closer to Phil and looked over his shoulder, his stomach dropped immediately. 

 

_ Oh shit _

 

On the screen were the two of them hugging in the street after Phil’s flop of a date. Phil’s face was pressed into Dan’s neck and Dan had his head resting on top of Phil’s. Their arms were tightly wrapped around each other's waist, Phil's body engulfed Dan's and Phil's hands entangled themselves in his brown curls.

 

Even though the picture was bad quality, Dan couldn't help but think how  _ intimate  _ it looked.

 

Phil scrolled down more on his feed and it was the same photo over and over again, they both looked up and their eyes connected; this was bad, it was really bad. 

 

The phandom had always shipped the two men together; ever since the first PINOF was posted every fan of Dan and Phil had come up with the craziest theories of Phan being real. It had gotten so bad in 2012 that they had almost stopped being friends.

 

Just the thought of the tension between the two best friends during that time made Dan want to cry. Though it was during that time that Dan started to realize that his feelings for Phil were not platonic at all.

 

“Dan, what are we going to do about this?” Phil asked, snapping Dan out of his thoughts.

 

“Well we could either ignore this and let it die down or-”

 

He stopped talking, when he saw Phil sigh and put his hands behind his head. He stared up at the white ceiling, his lip jutted out as he thought about what to do. Dan anxiously watched him, his pulse racing in preparation of what  decision Phil was going to make about this mess of a photo. 

 

A cold sweat passed through Dan and he could feel his hands start to sweat at the thought of burying this photo in the back of his head, much like everything else that he liked to pick through to make him hope that Phil thought of him as more of a best friend. 

 

“I think-” 

 

The sudden voice startled the brunette and his eyes shifted to the man in front of him. Dan and Phil's eyes clashed as the daunting session laid over the two. 

 

“We should probably just ignore it, we don't want to make things worst,” Phil repeated, his voice firm and sure of itself. 

 

The younger male's mouth dried up, his voice failing him as a weak protest rose upon his lips in an effort say something. 

 

“Are you sure, I-I mean if we don't say anything then they'll say more about it-” he stuttered, not wanting his voice to actually show how he actually felt about it. 

 

Phil shrugged his shoulders, his shirt rising with the action of the shrug and Dan managed to  _ just  _ avoid looking at the sliver of skin that appeared.

 

“Well, personally, we both ignore the Phandom when they talk about-” he paused for a second and then squirmed a bit, looking uncomfortable for a split second. 

 

“ _ Phan _ ,” He swallowed loudly, his eyes fluttering away from Dan's gaze to look at his win on the flat screen. “So what's the big deal with ignoring this one?” Phil finished, looking back at Dan and sighing as if he was done with the problem already. 

 

_ A problem _

_ He thinks that this a problem _

 

“Y-yeah,” Dan abruptly rose from his position next to Phil and slammed his controller on the stand next to the tv, making Phil jump. 

 

“Dan…?” Phil started but was interrupted.

 

“No problem Phil, we'll ignore this one too, don't worry,” his lip unconsciously curled with annoyance as his back turned to Phil and heading towards the door. 

 

His response finally made sense to Dan and it  weighed down on his heart, making what part he repaired crumble all over again. 

 

“I'm just going to go to my room, it's getting late,” Dan replied, his eyes started to glaze over and he faked a yawn to cover the fact he was about to cry.

 

Phil looked up at Dan and nodded, giving him a mildly concerned glance. 

 

He seemed to be bothered by the photo of the two of them hugging, while Dan loved that it gave hope to the phandom that Phan may be real- it made him hopeful too.

 

But as he looked at Phil’s troubled face, his small light of hope diminished and he walked to his room without a word.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave something for us to read! Whether it be anything, we love to hear from you all :)


	7. Chapter 7

**_Chapter 7_ **

* * *

 

_ Your shaking shoulders _

__

_ Prove that it's colder  _

 

_ Inside your head _

 

_ Than a winter of dead _

 

* * *

  
  


Crossed legged on his bedroom floor with his blinds shut completely and the only source of light coming from his open computer screen, Dan was at the point of shoving his bed off its frame and wrecking his room.

 

He wanted to feel any emotion but the numbness that swallowed him whole and encased him in its clutches, never to feel anything ever again.

 

And honestly, he didn't want to feel anything at all. He's been on a emotional roller coaster all day, first their arrival at home and then the Twitter “problem” (as Phil called it) that had physically felt like a sucker punch to Dan's stomach. 

 

What was worse was when they had come home, Phil was joyful about their agreement and after some pepperoni pizza that Phil heated up for him, he handed it to the brunet with a friendly kiss on the forehead.

 

The ghost of Phil's lips still burned in the area of where his part from his fringe was, Dan had traced the spot with his index finger more than once that night.

 

Phil's slightly chapped lips from the cold, the warmth that spread from his stomach to his head, almost making him lightheaded. The euphoria that made him giddy with unbridled delight, Phil's careful hand brushing his soft curls aside to kiss his head was gentle and loving-something he craved for constantly. 

 

_ I will tell you I-I-I love you...  _

 

Dan was ripped away from his thoughts as the song continued to play from his laptop. Dan made a face before wearily sighing and dragging his hand down his face. He shoved his computer away from him, the open spotify playlist that was in his recommended was doing him no good.

 

_ But the muffs on your ears  _

 

_ Will cater your fears  _

 

The crushing weight of the statement settled on his stomach as he slammed his Mac shut, darkness quickly enveloping his surroundings. Dan quickly stood up, wanting to get away from the dreaded laptop because  _ holy fuck does he love Phil _ . 

 

Silence. 

 

Dan shuddered as he glanced at how pitch black his room was. 

 

_ Damn it, why couldn't I have bought some bloody night lights _

 

A sudden loud  _ thud  _ from his right wall made him jump a foot in the air and stomach drop to the floor. Pins and needles raced up from each of his tan arms, making his hair stand on end as he started to hear any more noises. Heart racing, he chided himself that it was only Phil from the other room and not a murderer barging into his house. 

 

Still the dark unnerved him for many reasons. 

 

The young Youtuber hated the dark because if he's quiet enough, his mind can't process that there is silence and makes up its own. Now, what his mind has conjured up were suffocating thoughts of abandonment. 

 

Hushed whispers echoed around, begging for some chaotic action, the whispers demanding violence and vile anger. It pressed heavily on the young man, making him start to cry all over again as the gnawing thoughts of early this morning came back at full force.

 

Dan hugged his trembling body and started to pace in his room, trying desperately to ward off the thoughts that tried to push him over the edge. 

 

_ It's ok _

 

_ You're not going to be alone Dan _

 

_ Phil's here-you're best friend  _

 

_ Don't forget that he loves you _

 

He let out a pitiful whimper. 

 

_ He sure does love you _

 

_ As his best friend _

 

_ Nothing more _

 

The darker side of his head contributed, hissing and reverberating throughout his mind.

 

Shaking with exertion from the imaginary battle with his own self, his knees quivered before giving out and dropping his limp form on the floor. 

 

Choked on his own tears that fell from his face and then landing on the plush carpet below, he laid there, withering. He rarely cried about anything but when he did, his voice quakes with emotion and begins to sound throaty.

 

In the cover of the bleak night, Dan curled himself in a tiny sphere, his heart aching and tearing itself piece by piece. 

 

He trembled on the floor, feeling too miserable to even haul himself up again from his state. His mind sickened him as he heard the voices spit insults at him that he couldn't deflect. They were true-Phil would never see him in that light and he truly was a depressed shit. 

 

Gripping the carpet between his hands, he let out a loud groan to suppress these thoughts before choking on it, realizing how loud he was being and not wanting to wake Phil. 

 

He shut his eyes and breathed in, counting to eight before exhaling slowly. He rocked himself backwards and forwards, almost in a way that a parent would comfort a child.  Gulping down his anxiety and thoughts for now, he flicked in the light switch and played some  _ Final Fantasy  _ soundtrack music as an ambient noise.

 

“Alright, Dan. It'll be ok, just get through tonight and you can sort yourself in the morning.” He quietly muttered to himself, his mind still racing from the conflict with himself. 

 

Faintly, he could hear Phil's gentle snores from his room. Still, his lips quirked into a small smile as he strained to hear the snores. Dan knew his heart wasn't going to be able to handle these types of blows to it so with a heavy thought laying on his mind, his eyes closed and he fell into a restless slumber.  
  


_ “Dan! Wake up!” _

 

_ Wait what..? _

 

Startled awake with his hand clutching his chest in painful fright, Dan barely had any reaction time before a overly eager too-big-of-a-child Phil Lester jumped on a empty part of the bed. Sputtering in shock, the brown eyed male yelled as the force knocked him to the floor, his back hitting the floor as he clutched the corners of his duvet in a hopeless attempt to catch himself.

 

He took a deep breath to reign in some of surprised curses that threatens to spew out to 

the seemingly  _ innocent  _ man in front of him.

 

_ 1… _

_ 2… _

_ 3… _

 

_ “PHIL WHAT THE HELL-”  _

 

Dan roared as he struggled to stand up, embarrassingly taking a lot longer than he would have liked to have in front of Phil.

 

Fighting the duvet off him had horrifyingly winded him and he huffed as he stood up on his feet, hands at his side as he halted accusingly at Phil. 

 

“Lester you have some nerve to wake me up before-” Dan quickly glanced at his bed side clock to see that it read  _ 8:46 a.m.  _ “-10 a.m. and not have any breakfast to deal with your horrifying morning grumpiness.” 

 

A roll of eyes was his response. The older male had only gathered up Dan's covers and hauled them back onto the bed, messy as ever. 

 

“Oh shut it  _ Dannyboy _ .” 

 

Phil smirked as he saw Dan's glare worsen. 

 

“I was going to wake you up by bed and breakfast but I thought this way would be more effective.”

 

Dan's assault on Phil faltered for a few seconds as he tilted his head in confusion.

 

“Bed and Breakfast?” Dan croaked, unable to process the fact that  _ Phil  _ of all people got up at the butt crack of dawn to make some breakfast. 

 

Frozen in his spot, Phil quickly crossed his bed so he was right in front of Dan. The brunet’s mind immediately seized up and flat lined when his entire vision composed of Phil's chapped lips and bright blue eyes. Fighting back the urge to flinch away from Phil's hyperactive attitude and closeness to his face, he failed to notice the trailing smell of genuine French toast in his room.

 

“We have French toast to eat.” Phil commanded his best friend.

 

Dan opened his mouth to protest, saying they shouldn't eat in his room cause last time it was  _ Phil  _ that dropped his sugary Belgium waffles on  _ his  _ bed not his own. 

 

Gently tapping Dan's chin, Phil winked as he turned around to retrieve the tray of assorted morning food while he left Dan in a utterly baffled state. 

 

Dan reeled and backtracked mentally, seemingly at shock by all the quick timing events. 

 

_ Ok so breakfast really? _

_ Wait does it mean we're all cool? _

_ Am I going to act like I didn't spend the night crying? _

_ Should I say anything?  _

 

Blankly he failed to think of a response for any of those answers except for asking:

 

“Phil, would it be dumb of me to get a night light?”

 

This time Dan really did physically recoil and cringed so hard that he had to turn away from Phil and pretend to be interested in the frayed edges of his duvet. 

 

_ Oh great now he's gonna ask him why I need them and I'm going to have to explain that I literally cannot sleep in the dark anymore and oh god I don't want to tell him the I spent the night crying because now he'll be concerned and- _

 

Dan panicked. 

 

“Not at all, we can go buy one today if you want.”

Unbothered by the question, Phil visibly shrugged as he held the tray out to Dan, eyes expectant.

 

Dan didn't bother hiding his sag of relief from Phil, it would be a dream to be able to sleep a good night's sleep and even with his thoughts running rampant, maybe night lights would work. 

 

“Here.” Phil raised one of the French toast pieces to Dan's mouth and without a single thought, he opened his mouth to bite into the delectable morning treat. 

 

Chewing thoughtfully on the piece, he contained a unbridled moan as the toast literally  _ melted  _ in his mouth and flooded his senses with its sugary goodness. 

 

_ This is heaven  _

 

“So...what do you think mate?” Phil asked him earnestly, his blue eyes trailing Dan's fluttering eyes and down the slope of his nose, down the dip of his dimple,  _ down the jut of his pretty pink lips _ , to his neck where he saw it bob and then swallow. 

 

Mystified as he locked eyes with Dan, Phil's jaw slacked a little at his sudden  _ exposure  _ to his best buddy no homo in the world best friend. 

 

“Uh…” 

 

Was all Phil could manage as Dan shoved the rest of the toast in his mouth, denying to himself that  _ no his cheeks weren't dusted red and no Phil was not just staring at him _ .

 

“Uh....I-um.” Phil kept repeating. If Dan wasn't so embarrassed he would've teased him more about it but right now, he found it particularly hard to think about anything else but  _ Phil.  _

 

Luckily, he regained his senses and backed away a few steps. He would finally breath easy now. 

 

A heavy pause. 

 

“It tastes amazing, the cinnamon was a perfect touch,” Dan answered and shot Phil a genuine smile as he turned to pick up the plate from his bed. He huffed in exasperation as Phil continued to stay silent.

 

“Thanks for the breakfast, but now if you excuse me I call the remote!” Dan expertly diverted the attention from his previous uncomfortable stare.

 

Dan started to stand up to go to the living room, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Phil set the still full tray of toast into his bed before slapping a big grin on his face. 

 

“I want the remote!”

 

The younger man widened his eyes as Phil placed his soft hands on Dan’s shoulders and shook him back and forth before Dan tackled him to the ground.

 

If at any point in his younger, emo ridden, angsty teenage years he was told that in only a couple of  _ years _ he would be wrestling his idol  _ Phil Lester  _ for the remote control to watch some anime- Dan probably would have fainted.

 

Dan sighed contently. He peeked over at Phil who was trying to sip his drink and at the same time try to edit the new Akinator video they had just recently finished that week. 

 

“Oh, no don’t worry it’s just an old high school friend of mine,” Phil’s thumbs flew across the keyboard to reply back to Echo’s spam of texts. Dan saw him bite back a laugh and his eyes shine as she told him about her coworker that had brought in salted coffee for everyone as a prank. Phil thrusted the phone to Dan and he read Echo’s rant about the prank. 

 

The brunet had to take a deep breath to try to quell the swimming pool of bubbling jealousy that threatened to consume him again. 

 

_ Not again, I’m going to keep my promise to him  _

 

“Oh... that’s funny,” Dan tried for a smile but he was sure it came as a grimace. He didn't like this girl, for many reasons that included his possessive nature, but there was something  _ off  _ that unsettled him. He wasn’t as jealous as he was with Kristen but he was more...resigned? Dan tore his eyes away from Phil and gave him an uneasy smile.

 

“Neat girl,” Dan tried to casually stretch and turned to avoid looking at Phil’s ever evident smile on his face. 

 

“You askin’ her out mate?”  Dan hoped it came out like a casual tone. 

 

Phil gave him a flustered smile. The usual spark in his eyes he held for someone who fancies as a friend or someone more was  _ there _ . His smile only proved his assumption correct. Phil didn’t know it but already he had a quick attraction to this  _ Echo.  _

 

The spark had long since dulled for Dan and only focused on one person but seeing the radiance of Phil, it wounded him. Dan shut his eyes and looked away for a split second to resign himself. At the moment Dan knew. His stomach plummeted through the floor and the corners of his eyes started to prick..  _ oh no. _

 

Envy coursed through his veins as he cleared his throat and gave Phil his best actor smile.

 

“You should ask her out, if she’s willing of course,” he said, his voice sounding fake but believable to anyone who wouldn’t think twice. 

 

Dan broke into a sweat. His heart pounded, and his hands began to feel clammy against his bouncing knee. He needed a break from all of this. He reeled in his own thoughts and retracted himself from the couch and stood up to play another movie. 

 

Nonetheless Phil bought it, “Yeah, maybe I will.”

 

Dan reached for his cup, grimacing at the taste of the cold chocolate as Phil continued to text Echo. As Dan bent down to place the disc to the movie player, he glanced back to ask for Phil's approval of the movie. 

 

The older youtuber just kept a smile on his face as the cause of his smile continued to entertain him with funny stories. Mentally kicking himself, Dan hurriedly pushed the play button and sat down quickly and avoided Phil's man spreading. 

 

“I'm going to make some popcorn to go with the movie,” Phil announced and Dan turned to him and saw him typing away furiously still. Dan didn't bother hiding his displeasure. 

 

“Yeah thanks,” Dan crossed his arms made a point by focusing solely on the movie as his best friend stood up and dropped his phone face up onto the couch for the world to see.  As he entered the kitchen, Dan could hear Phil constantly dropping the plastic tupper ware they have. Dan chuckled at his natural clumsy behavior. 

 

While Dan paused the movie from playing until Phil returned, a sudden buzz from his right disturbed his happy scrolling through twitter. He glanced uneasily at the doorway that led to the kitchen and down to the buzzing phone, debating whether or not to answer the one. Shrugging his shoulders he glanced at the black screen and unknowingly pushed the 'answer' button.

 

"Hello, Dan speaking," He paused, waiting for a response. 

 

"Hello?" The static voice responded back, sounding unsure. 

 

A flutter of  a voice said clear as day:

 

"So about that date Phil.." 

  
  


  
  



	8. I'm Sorry Phil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil have a confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the wait! I was busy catching up with college applications. But here it is! Very sorry for the wait but I tried to get this out as quick as I could with everything going on. Leave a comment to show what you liked/disliked so I know what to work on to improve the story and the writing!

 

**_Three Months Later_ **

 

* * *

 

_‘Dating freaking sucks’_

 

Angrily searching for his house keys as he made his way up the steps to their apartment complex, Phil almost tripped four times by not watching where he placed his feet. His pounding feet on the stairs sounded menacing to anyone who came up and down those steps and as he passed by some of his neighbors, he was fully aware that his bloodshot eyes and glare that kept them a distance away.

 

Shaking his head and turning his corner, Phil quickly walked to his door and thrust the key inside and yanked the door open with force. He stomped his feet at the ‘welcome’ doormat they had and violently rattled the doorway by shutting the door behind him. Making no sound of his arrival like he usually does, he kicked his converses off and walked to their quaint living room.

 

Dan was sitting in the living room watching the new trailers of his favorite shows that were to have a new season when he heard someone trying to break into the apartment. The brunet could hear the frustrated failing attempts at opening the door and he forced his panicked self to look for someone sort of weapon.

 

Adrenaline raced through his veins as he grabbed the heaviest paperweights that were on their dinner table to chuck at the intruder.

 

_Oh my god I'm going to die_

 

_Fuck, now I wish I knew how to actually throw shit. It wouldn't be that hard, should it?_

 

He trembled as he hid behind of the wall that led to different parts of their home, debating his choices of attack and defense to intercept the intruder. Heart racing, he steeled himself and grasped the paperweights harder, his knuckles turning white with his strength.

 

Faintly, over the sound of his frantic heartbeat, he heard the front door open with a loud bang and resulted in him jumping a foot off the ground as pure terror jolted his body and seized his movements.

 

“Holy sh-”

 

Dan whirled towards the intruder, the paperweight leaving his long fingertips and flew through the air only to completely miss its target.

 

“Phil?!” The brunet shrieked in mortified surprise, his demeanour instantly changing as he chided himself for overreacting, he wasn't expecting Phil this early or act like this at all.

 

Standing nearby the door, Phil dumbly looked at the object that missed him a good feet or two, his eyes glazing over the scene with a distanced expression on his features.

Worry lines creased his pale forehead, his eyes glistened with leftover angry tears from his walk home from his ‘date’.

 

His blue eyes landed on Dan in the center of the room. Unconsciously, his features softened and his lips quirked into a faint smile before sighing and shuffling his way to his Dan.

 

The two stared at each other and without saying anything Dan engulfed his best friend in a tight hug, their arms linking together as Phil's head rested on top of Dan's hunched figure.

 

As a way to remedy the situation, Dan slightly soothed Phil by running his arms slightly up and down his back, the blush on his face betraying the platonic setting.

 

Phil finally noticed the objects that feel when Dan hugged him. He glanced questionably at them until his eyes widened and realized what they were.

 

A laugh bubbled its way up Phil's throat.

 

“Were you going to..” Phil trailed off, pausing his hair stroking momentarily.

 

Dan felt Phil exhale and then giggle slightly against the top of head.

 

_“Were you going to throw a paper weight at me!?”_

 

Dan’s face flared up a embarrassed red when Phil pulled away and looked down at the younger man, his blue eyes twinkling with amusement. A small smile played on his lips.

 

“I-I uh, no...?” Dan stuttered weakly in an attempt to defend himself.

 

Phil laughed but as Dan looked into his eyes, his bright blue eyes glossy with tears.

 

Dan recoiled back and grasped Phil's forearms, his face nearing Phil's in worry. Thoughts raced through his head, each one no better than the next.

 

“Phil, what's wrong!” he said quickly, his voice hushed with worry.

 

And like that, the smile dropped from Phil's face and it darkened rapidly as if someone told him the worst news possible. The brunet searched Phil's eyes for a feeling but he burrowed his face into Dan's neck, his arms hooking underneath his underarms. An abrupt sob came from the ebony haired man.

 

“Is there something wrong with me,” Phil cried out, his steady tears slowly moistened the inside of Dan's shirt.

 

There was a shattering in his heart that echoed throughout his being at the sight of Phil's trailing tears. A lump formed in his throat, he knew exactly why Phil was upset.

 

His heart gave a pang of sympathy and before he could say anything Phil began to talk.

 

“I really thought I had a chance with Echo, but she never even showed up.” Phil started, his voice shaking as Dan held him.

 

“I waited for two hours at the restaurant, you know the one we usually go out to, and the only thing she had to say for herself when I messaged her was this,”

 

He pulled away from Dan and he reached into his pocket to retrieve his phone. As he dug through, Dan snuck a quick glance at Phil's face. But as soon as he did, he was interrupted by Phil's phone to his face.  his phone at Dan’s face and

 

Flinching, he cast a look on Phil's face but he found that the older man couldn't meet his eyes and he sighed.

 

Eyes narrowing, he peered at the text message and ignored the jealousy churning in his stomach as he saw the heart emojis within Echo’s contact name.

 

He read it out loud.

 

 _“Phil, I'm sorry for the late response but I honestly don't see a future with you. If you may do so, please just delete my number and move on.”_ He finished with a pause and he shut his eyes, willing the guilt of this situation back down to his gut.  

 

“Oh god Phil, I'm so, so, so sorry mate,” Dan poorly repeated, all he could do was lying through his teeth to his best friend.

 

_‘You're a snake Howell, no one in their right mind would do this to the person they cared the most about’_

 

He practically winced as his mind hit him to the core with the brutal truth. As he glanced towards Phil's broken expression and exhausted figure, he bit his lips as he felt the beginnings of guilt force its way up his stomach and settle right on his heart.

 

To combat this he instinctively blocked out his true feelings by burrowing it deep down the best he could. He immediately wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist and gave him the tightest hug possible, but as they hugged Dan couldn't help but think of what he had said to Echo on the phone a few days ago.

 

It was one of the biggest lies he's ever told to himself but it was all because of his friendship for Phil. He needed Phil like he needed the air to breath, they were a duo, soulmates, a symbiotic relationship, an everlasting friendship.

 

And now, the only word that could fit was toxic.

 

All because of Dan and his jealous tendencies.  

 

Hanging his head in burning shame, Dan's face contorted as he recalled what had happened two nights ago. It was shameful, but with selfish satisfaction, it had worked the way he had imagined.

 

But now, he wasn't sure if it was worth the thousand pound stone of regret that hung precariously over his already bandaged heart. He wasn't sure what he would do if Phil left him alone.

  


_Two Nights Ago_

 

_“So about that date Phil. . .”_

 

_Dan paused as he quickly inhaled. He just avoided making a sound. Instead, he racked his mind to say something quickly in return. He shut his eyes quickly and almost like it was second nature, Dan opened his mouth and let his improv skills flow out._

 

_He cleared his throat and in the best professional voice he could muster at the moment without Phil hearing him, he answered Echo._

 

_“Hello, this is Phil Lester’s hospice nurse speaking. He’s taking his medicine right now, but I can leave a message if it is urgent.”_

 

_Dan was met with dead silence._

 

_“Hello?” he repeated just in case he blanked out in something she had said._

 

_“O-oh I uh, just needed to have a word with my” she paused and then took an uneasy breath. “-friend Phil, he had to ask me something important.”_

 

_Dan frowned as he kept the act up._

 

_“Well, miss I'm sorry to inform you but Philip is extremely sick, I'm not legally allowed to tell you by what but be cautious of what you're getting into.” He trailed off and looked towards the way of which Phil had exited the room, his eyes glazing over with careful thoughts._

 

_“He's terribly ill and frankly, I'm worried he won't be able to live his life to the fullest. I can't imagine being tied down like that, can you?” He questioned her, testing her character and if she'll take the bait._

 

_“Send my condolences please, I have to go though. Tell Phil I'll talk to him later.” She said hurriedly and hung the line._

 

_Dan smiled bitterly to himself. His assumption was correct. He knew that Echo wouldn't want to date someone that was on borrowed time, people her age were looking for a lifelong commitment, not a quick fling that would end soon. One way or another._

 

_He knew it was wrong, he did. Honestly._

 

_But he didn't want Phil to find someone and leave him- just like what almost happened with Leslie all those years ago._

 

“What about Leslie?” Phil questioned, pulling away from their hug quickly. He looked alarmed as he held Dan's at arm's length away.

 

_Shit, did I just say that out loud?_

 

_Had I murmured Leslie out loud?_

 

Phil looked at Dan expectantly as the brunet opened his mouth to respond. His mind races for an explanation but for once in his life, words failed him. He couldn't possibly rationalize why he would say Phil's former lover's name out loud.

 

His sentence blurted out faster than he could shut his mouth. Dan felt himself gurgle and bile come up to hit the back of his throat as he felt Phil let go of him disgustingly.

 

It was the stupidest thing he had ever uttered in his life. Dan's body iced over as his hair raised on end and his gaze lowered towards the ground in stunned silence.

 

This is the worst thing to have happened to him.

 

(And potentially the worst mistake he'll ever make in his pitiful and insignificant life.)

 

“What?”

 

Dan twitched and flinched away from Phil's hardened tone. He could see from the hoods of his eyes that Phil crossed his arms and stood in a disappointed stance.

 

“What did you say?”

 

Dan murmured his reply back quietly.

 

Phil inched closer.

 

“What?”

 

“I said that maybe you should call Leslie up…”

 

Phil stilled near his space. Dan could smell the Ribena and the tantalizing smell of chicken parmesan on him, the closeness of him and the emitting warmth was making him nauseous.

 

But it wasn't enough to stop mentally cursing himself out. Dan had tried so hard to get rid of Leslie without her or his best friend realizing and finally he succeeded all that time ago.

 

A _swooping_ feeling clenched his insides as he played with the ends of his fingers, his eyes racing back and forth on the lines of the white tile of _their_ home.

 

_The home we made our own_

 

_Our home_

 

He winced as he reached out to Phil, but to his horror, his best friend took a step back as his eyes hardened and met his own brown ones.

 

Dan softly gasped as he gulped down the  bitter disappointment that seeped to his very core, shaping and drenching his soul with belittling thoughts.

 

“Phil please…”

 

Dan weakley hiccuped out, his own figure collapsing within himself as he tried to make himself as small as possible.

 

He knew. He _knew_ this wasn't going to end well because he could sense of dread that smeared his being, sickening and blackening his mind even further as he dwelled on his past actions.

 

But it was no good. He already lost.

 

Dan was leading Phil back to Leslie and he knew that if that happened then it'd all be over; Phil would find out what had happened, he would hate Dan, he’d leave him and then he’d lose his best friend and the love of his life forever.

 

He was torn on what to do but as his stomach turned itself inside out at the sight of Phil's shaking figure and sudden silence, he didn't know how long Phil could last getting rejected over and over again.

 

With a heavy heart, the Youtuber knew what he was going to do.

 

“Do you trust me Phil?”

 

The abrupt sentence lingered on his pink lips, his figure rising as he took a deep breath and forced his brown eyes to clash with the ones in front of him.

 

The brunet saw his best friend's eyes suddenly fill with confusion and above all, sudden curiosity for the moment. Phil's face softened as he processed the words, his imposing height slacked and he let his guard down as he heavily sighed.

 

“Of course Dan, you're my best friend.”

 

Phil took a step closer to Dan and hesitated before laying and resting on Dan's taller shoulders. He paused for another moment, wondering if it was in his place to say how he felt since he only knew that the younger man meant well.

 

The brown eyed male took in an uneasy breath, his entire insides were a jumbling mess. Each emotion that he had felt was tormenting and was viciously fighting to gain the position of corrupting Dan's own mind. His thoughts only quelched when he imagined a closed fist holding those emotions together by a leash.

 

_Tie a noose around my mind, loose enough to breath fine_

 

“I only said it because of the promise, remember?”

 

A startled gasp elicited from the older man’s mouth.  

 

Dan ignored it the best he could. His stomach was already in too many knots.

 

“I want to keep the promise we made that night together. I won't let you get hurt like that again,” His voice rose at the end as be brought his eyesight to meet Phil's appalled gaze.

 

_Not when the reason you're hurting in the first place is ‘cause of me_

 

“Leslie made you happy and hate me, I don't care, but ring her up,”

 

_Liar. You'd rather die than have Phil have an ill thought of you_

 

“-she made you the happiest I've seen you,” he stuttered out, forcing his shaky voice to appear as if he was emotional for _him._

 

_Happier than you've tried to make him_

 

“-please do it, for me?” he finished weakly.

 

_Please no, don't leave me_

 

His mind hissed at every syllable Dan tried to utter out. Every word felt like it was choking him and he had to swallow many times to try to push down the ball of emotions that lodged in his throat. He was tired of  ignoring them, he really did but he just couldn't, he was stuck in a rut with Phil and he couldn't escape even if he wanted too.

 

It was going to be the end of him.

 

For a second, time stood still in Dan’s mind. The raven-haired man looked at Dan for a moment and he looked right back into his grayish blue eyes; wondering that if they were truly in love with each other, would this be the way they would look at each other.

 

Phil was at lost for words. Nothing could express the gratitude and the sudden love that he had for Dan at the moment. The imaginary cord that tied them together seemed to coil as they were brought together by their arms.

 

Phil gripped Dan as if he was his life line.

 

_Thank you so much Bear_

 

Phil nuzzled Dan on the crown of his head and placed his lips there, savoring the heat that swept his body like a roaring fire because of their bonding moment. No words were said but they weren't needed to express how they both felt.

 

But as one was joyful, the other was dressed in sudden dread.

 

“It's my duty as a best friend, Phil.” Dan murmured quietly.

 

_I'm sorry I did this to you_

 

_I'm sorry of what happened between you and Leslie_

 

_I'm sorry for my actions_

 

_But I can't say I'm sorry for one thing_

 

“I'm going to ring up Leslie in the evening, ok? I'm doing this before I chicken out.” Phil gently kissed Dan on the forehead and he forced a smile as Phil pulled away, his forehead burned with the feel of his lips.

 

Dan choked out a _‘good luck’_ as he saw Phil turn the corner of their home, a sudden bounce to his step that wasn't there originally.

 

As Dan was left alone, he squeezed his forearms and pressed his nails against the curve of his elbow, hissing as he dug harder.

 

_Oh god this is real_

 

Dan's eyes welled with tears as he walked to his room, not bothering to turn on the light.

 

_The one thing I can't say sorry for Phil is the one thing I can't ever tell you._

 

He could hear the pacing in Phil’s room as he called the number that was regretfully ingrained in his mind forever. Dan could feel the nervous energy of the man even over a door down.

 

_“Hey...it’s been a long time hasn’t it Leslie?”_

 

A tear trickled down Dan's cheek. He wasn’t even aware that his eyes burned.

 

_I’m so sorry Phil._

 

~~_I'm sorry I'm in love with you_ ~~


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The climax is about to bring the story all down

_ This is a complete and utter disaster _

 

The blue eyed man frantically turned his closet inside out to find  _ anything  _ that showed he did somewhat act his age. Phil frowned as he glanced around the piles of vibrant and frankly, disorienting patterns that he enjoys. 

 

_ I have to show Leslie I'm better than before _

 

He turned towards the mirror and averted his eyes from the major form of his insecurity glared back at him. His milky white skin kissed with freckles ran up and down his body and the contrast of the tan lines made it ever so obvious. 

 

The ebony haired man raked his eyes up in down and settled for a dark blue button up collar shirt that ‘complimented his eyes and made then pop out’.

 

Dan’s words not his. 

 

_ Dan… _

 

Phil’s face dropped and he sighed and shook his head side to side.

 

He looked into the mirror and checked his fringe for the third time that afternoon. His fingers played with his part before dropping to his sides, useless for now. 

 

It was now or never and a single part isn't going to make a difference. Phil needed  _ something  _ to do to release some of the bubbling nervousness and dread that drenched his body. 

 

It was obvious to anyone that he was nervous about what the day held for him. 

 

He had hardly slept for the past two days and as he stared at his reflection it was obvious. His usual bright eyes were rimmed with red and there were dark circles under his eyes that made his pasty skin look even pastier. Phil even had sweat dripping from his forehead and groaned as he realized his shirt had pit stains.

 

_ Why the heck is it so hot? _

 

He pulled his white shirt over his head as he headed out of the bathroom and into the hallway. He walked passed Dan’s room, rolling his eyes as he saw the empty bed that wasn't made.

 

It was something that Dan had started to do lately; he’d be gone for hours on end, sometimes he wouldn't come home for more than a day and when he’d finally came back home he’d mumble something incoherently as he headed towards his room.

 

At first his disappearing act had worried Phil, but after the fifth time he had stopped worrying and started ignoring it all together. 

 

It had caused him panic the first times he had vanished without a word, the third time Phil had cornered Dan and had yelled at him to at least text first. The bubble of fear and apprehension that gripped his stomach had him in a choke hold has he recalled pacing and pulling his hair out as he held both his and Dan's phone on his lap. 

 

He shook his heads of the thoughts and walked into his room, grabbing a new shirt and checking the thermostat as he walked toward the door.

 

_ Bloody hell, why is it over 23 degrees in this flat? _

 

Phil paused for just a second and just listened, his ears tentatively waiting to hear the familiar buzz of the air conditioner but he was greeted with nothing. 

 

He face contorted into an exasperated grimace. 

 

_ Can this day get any worse? _

 

He didn't allow himself to answer that last question as he was about to meet up with Leslie and he was hoping that it wouldn't end up in disaster.

 

Phil was trying to imagine the best outcomes their meeting as he walked out of the door, but the only thing he could imagine was her opening old wounds that he had bandaged and wrapped in duct tape. 

 

He could imagine their first conversation as a gently wicked dance: his moves contrasting her intentions, battling it out as both their emotions struggled to show on the surface. The whispers of unshed promises, forevers, flecks of unproposed sayings lingering on the tips of each other's tongues but left unsaid. 

 

In other words, Phil absolutely petrified he was going to screw it up and mess anything up before it ever started. 

 

He wasn't sure  _ how  _ he was going to even act around his ex love, much less have a coherent sentence in mind. 

 

As he turned the corner to exit the building he bumped into Dan, who tried to hide his face behind his horn hoodie but Phil caught a glimpse of the darkened bruise on the curly haired man.

 

_ What the fuck has Dan gotten himself into? _

 

Phil went to open his mouth, but his best friend shoved past him without saying a word.

 

_ Dan better not have gotten himself into a street gang somehow, I swear. _

 

He stared at Dan’s back for a moment before shaking his head and walking to the coffee shop.

 

When he finally reached his destination, he stopped for a moment, checking his fringe in the glass reflection and took a deep breath. Inside those walls was the only girl that he had truly loved and he really wanted to rekindle what they had once had.

 

_ Don't get your hopes up, She may just want to be friends. She wants to hurt you again. _

 

Phil continued to think of all the reasons why this was a bad idea as he walked into the coffee shop. He scanned the room and his heart skipped a beat as his eyes landed on the most beautiful girl in the world.

 

Leslie’s dark flowy hair had grown since he saw her that day in this very coffee shop last January. It flowed down her back in waves and framed her face.

 

_ Her beautiful, beautiful face- that trails down to her... _

 

The blue eyed man's mind had gone blank, all of the things he had wanted to say to her had completely disappeared from his mind- Being replaced with a stuttering fool who was drooling over the girl that he once loved.

 

He was still staring as she walked up, not knowing what to say Phil gave her a sheepish smile and waved.

 

“Hey Phil.”

 

He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it, trying to remember everything he had planned to say to her.

 

_ Why'd you hurt me? _

 

_ What did I do wrong? _

 

_ Where would we be right now if you hadn't stopped loving me? _

 

His mind was going a mile a minute and it wasn't until he realized Leslie was staring at him with her dark forest green eyes that he finally said something.

 

“It's nice seeing you again.”

 

Leslie looked disappointed as he said that and Phil mentally cursed himself out. They had barely said to words to each other but the tension was so thick that Phil could cut it with a butter knife.

 

_ This was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a mistake. _

 

They remained silent for a while, both searching for something to say. Conversation had always been easy with Leslie; he could bring up a topic and she would be able to talk for hours- But now as they purposely avoided eye contact with each other, the entire room was filled with an awkward aura.

 

Leslie’s hand was slowly inching towards his on the table and though Phil wanted to grab it, he stopped himself.

 

_ We need to talk before I even think about holding her hand. _

 

“How about we get out of here and we’ll take a walk and talk,” Phil suggested as he finished drinking his coffee.

 

The green eyed girl looked up at him and sighed, they both knew that it was time to get the heart-wrenching conversation out of the way. Even though it could end with Leslie crying, Phil yelling and both of them never talking to each other again- It had to happen.

 

He couldn't get the thought of Leslie disappearing out of his mind. It raced through him like a arrow shooting through his fragile heart 

They walked out out of the coffee shop and down the street, an arms length away from each other. Their hands sometimes brushed against one another and their arms automatically retracted as if they had touched a live fire. 

 

He wasn't paying much attention to where they were walking, but soon enough he realized that they had walked to the park Phil had tried to propose to her at. Just the thought of being there with Leslie again made his heart pound against his chest.

 

_ This was a mistake, this was a mistake. _

 

“I know about you and Dan.”

 

The ebony haired man looked down at her confused; of all the things he had expected her to say- that was not one of them.

 

Phil looked her and paused. 

 

“What do you mean you know about Dan and I,” he replied back, confused. A thousand questions filled his mind up in a matter of seconds. 

 

“I mean I  _ know  _ about you and Dan.” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right here is where feces hits the fan my friends
> 
>  
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> Potential Triggers:
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> Depression/mental illness portrayal near end half tbe chapter, please be aware if you are sensitive to that. It was hard enough to write it as it was, I do not want any of you to get triggered.

* * *

 

_And crazy as it seems_

  


_I never felt closer to you_

  


_Crying, as you torture me_

 

l-/

 

* * *

 

In all of Phil's existence on this planet, not once has he ever had an epiphany that has shattered his view of the world. Sure, many things may be changed with the revelation of ideas but he had always accepted the fact they were _true._

 

He believed in the people around him and he knew that he could believe in them to tell them the truth as well. Phil would rather have people see him in a bad light than being dishonest with himself.  

 

“W-what are you talking about,” he stuttered, his eyes shifting from Leslie's to the direction of his home.

 

His stomach tightened with the thought of Dan ever going behind his back, the thought plunging and twisting at his insides like a double razor knife. Phil pressed a hand against his stomach, clenching his hand as he gritted out his annoyance.

 

“You're lying to me.” He finished forcefully, desperately trying to cement his lifelong friendship with Dan into his mind.

 

They've been through too much together, built everything they have had together, Dan was the first person outside his family to make him feel like he was always _home_.

 

‘ _No_.’ He thought.

 

_His_ Dan wouldn't do this.

 

Dan is always by his side, no matter what.

 

With this in mind, he scoffed as he stepped away from his first love. His eyes only flashed with a bit of remorse when he heard a small sob. Inhaling quickly, he glanced at Leslie's face and to his horror, he watched as her face crumbled and eyes start to glisten with tears.

 

Phil's stance deflated a bit at the site of her unwelcomed tears, the fragility in her figure making him pause in his thoughts.

 

“Phil I-” Leslie’s voice caught as she reached up to wipe her nose and blink away her tears.

 

Leslie fidgeted in front of him, squirming under the scruntzing look he gave her. But, Leslie wasn't a person to lie, he knew that. She always spoke what was on her mind and no one could change her opinion otherwise.

 

Phil knew that.

 

He loved her for that reason.

 

Somewhere, deep in his chest, there was a echoing break that rippled and resonated within every fiber of his body.

 

Anguish suddenly ripped its way through his sternum and clawed its way through his lungs until it erupted at the surface of his ribs. The burning sensation lit a fire in his body, his lungs struggled to take a breath in as Phil choked with the feeling of betrayal that overwhelmed his body.  

“ _Phil_?”

 

A kind of blur placed itself over Phil senses. A peculiar on too. He could still feel and see and gather his senses but everything was duller, almost as if someone had turned down colour dial in his brain.

 

He could hear Leslie talking to him and see her pink lips moving to form syllables that try as hard as he could, he couldn't hear.

 

There was a fuzz around his ears that prevented him from focusing what she was saying to him.

 

_“Thought you cheated…”_

 

_“I thought he was lying, oh god, I rushed home thinking he was…”_

 

_“All I could imagine was the thought of you guys kissing, I couldn't do it Phil. I saw the connection you two had and…”_

 

Phil registered Leslie cupping her face in agony as she hiccuped her story.

 

“-he just came to me and told me about you two being together.” Her tiny voice broke in the middle and her lower lip trembled as she looked up to Phil.

 

“What,” his voice cracked in the middle, wobbling on the _t_.

 

_This can't be true. Dan would never purposely hurt me._

 

Phil looked into Leslie’s watery eyes, he was usually quite good at telling when people were lying. The way they'd look away ever so slightly, a bite of the lip, a nervous chuckle. But the look of hurt on his ex-girlfriends face never faltered and as much as he wished that she was playing some sick prank on him, Phil knew that she was telling the truth.

 

“...”

 

“...And that's why you broke things off between us because you thought…” Phil swallowed heavily.

 

“Thought I was _cheating_ on you with...Dan?”

 

The green-eyed girl nodded slowly, her head tilting in confusion as she saw Phil's face slowly morph into a shocked expression.

 

_Oh no_

 

Leslie bit her lip, debating whether to continue to finish her thought. She raised her arm to gingerly touch the side of Phil's face, her thumb slowly rubbing his cheekbones to soothe the worry lines that etched his face.

 

“Weren't you?” She asked him softly, almost inaudible in fear of provoking him again.

 

Phil let out a huge sigh, running his fingers through his hair and standing up off of the bench. He didn't know what to say to Leslie, she thought that he had cheated on her, not with some random person at a bar but with his _best friend._

 

_His best friend._

 

_Dan._

 

The realization of what Dan had told Leslie had finally clicked into place and anger started to rise. His fists clenched at the thought of Dan, _his Dan_ , ever going behind his back and ruining what could have been his forever.

 

_He knew this entire time_

 

_All the signs were there_

 

_And yet…_

 

He has never felt this much fury overtake his body and Phil couldn't stop the grinding of his teeth and clenching fists.

 

_You trusted him_

 

The dark haired man stopped pacing, frantically searching for some _lie_ deep into his past eyes. He quickly grabbed her hands and desperately pleaded to her, trying to convey every emotion he couldn't say now. He loved her. He was sorry.

 

But he needed to find out why.

 

“I need to go talk to Dan, he needs to tell me why he lied to you... why he… I just need to go.” Phil spat out, his whole body shaking with resentment.

 

He let go of Leslie’s hands, his face was red with anger and his fists immediately clenched.

 

_Dan was going to pay_

 

Before he was able to turn away completely, Leslie gingerly touched his arm. Even after all the time away from her, sparks raced up his limb and flooded his body with a warm mush of emotions.

 

Phil glazed down at Leslie with softening blue eyes. Her eyes twinkled with the glaze of tears. He wanted to desperately wipe any trace of hurt away from her memory but he had betrayed her in the way be could not have imagined even in his wildest dreams.

 

“Promise me you won't do anything stupid?” She pleaded him softly, her hair just brushed against his chin. She held her breath as she waited for a response.

 

“Leslie,” Soft hands padded the sides of her face and she gasped as Phil pressed his forehead against hers. He hummed in contentment and the euphoria that melted in his body was a welcomed difference to what he felt before.

 

Swallowing hard, he lightly nuzzled the crown of his love’s head and before Phil knew what he was doing, he pressed his lips there. He didn't stop there.

 

His lips met Leslie’s and even if he was out of practice, it was still one of the best kisses he's ever received. It was a messy kiss, with bumping teeth and far too much pressure but a kiss nonetheless.

 

It ended with them both pulling away for air, smiling at each other in the way only lovers do before Phil kissed her forehead and hurriedly walked back to his house, wanting to confront Dan.

 

_8:17 P.M._

 

“I accidentally fell and that's how this bruise got here,” Dan chuckled, lying to his subscribers about the origin of his bruise.

 

The comments were flooding with concern about the injury, but Dan eased their minds with a few more jokes at his suspense.

 

_If they're so worried about this, imagine if they were able to read what's going on inside your mind right now._

 

The curly haired man continued to talk to his audience and didn't even think twice when Phil slammed the front door shut. Dan knew he was supposed to meet Leslie today and figured that their conversation didn't end well, which was a big relief for Dan. He was scared that Leslie might take Phil away again.

 

His mind drifted for a minute, forgetting that he was doing a live stream. Loud footsteps echoed throughout the apartment until suddenly they stopped, there was a loud bang outside his door.

 

Dan jumped in his seat and clutched his heart as he chuckled, thinking Phil was just joking around with him.

 

“Dan open the door _now_.” He could practically hear the growl in his voice.

 

His brown eyes darted to the wooden door and he started to laugh uneasily now.

 

“Good one Philly, you got me good,” he eased into a forceful laugh, trying not to alarm the audience.

 

Daringly, his eyes darted to the comments and he let out a mental ‘fuck' as they all repeated the same thing.

 

_What's wrong Dan?_

 

Realizing something was definitely off, he quickly tried to dismiss his viewers with a cringe-worthy joke but he never got the chance to tell the punchline.

 

Phil had grown impatient, slamming the door open and causing a small dent in the wall behind. Dan's heart caught in his throat as he jumped in his seat and his hands started to shake with nervousness.

 

It was then that Dan knew something was wrong; his usual chirpy, happy-go-lucky best friends face was red with anger and his fists clenched tightly.

 

“Phil?” Dan asked tentatively, shrinking himself in his chair as he tried to understand what was going on with Phil.

 

“Daniel you have _one_ chance to tell me what the _fuck_ you did or-”

 

Dan slammed his laptop screen closed, and without a second thought he stood up and tried to think of something to say to quell Phil.

 

But as he watched Phil come closer with a hateful expression, he felt trapped. The ebony haired man's breath came out in angry puffs of breaths as if he was trying to stop himself from lunging at him.

 

“ _Dan where the hell did you get the idea that we we’re dating!”_

 

Silence rang in the tense room. Somewhere in Dan's heart, he could feel a pressure and a _snap_ as his heartstrings tugged, urging him to say something to save his heart from being torn out of his chest.

 

Unintentionally, the remark was the greatest blow Phil could ever hit him with.

 

The bark that came out him Phil petrified Dan.

 

_Fuck, Leslie told him._

 

_He knows._

 

He backed up against his wall, trying frantically to come up with an excuse or a way to get out of this situation but nothing came to mind. Dan shut his eyes as his back pressed firmly against the wall.

 

It was a longshot but maybe if he could get Phil to listen to him then maybe he’ll think of something convincing in the meanwhile.

 

Dan’s voice wobbled in fear as he held his hands outwards and tried to take a step closer to the man that held his broken heart in his hands.

 

Gulping, he saw the fire light up in Phil’s blue eyes once more and Dan cut him off by raising his voice slightly.

 

“Phil, let's just sit down and talk about this calmly,”

 

He saw Phil eyes glare at him and Dan winced as if he's been struck.

 

“ _Please_ ,” he added desperately.

 

The ebony haired man chuckled darkly; although his bright blue eyes were rimmed with angry tears, there was this dangerous look in them.

 

Phil's body trembled with resentment. Inside, he could feel his body detach from his friend in front of him. His nerves were cold steel as they met with the warm brown eyes in front of him.

 

There was a time where he used to find them marvelling, a soft melted chocolate color but now all he saw was Dan's dull eyes expand with a rising fear.

 

“Tell me exactly what you said to Leslie or I'm going to give you a matching bruise” he growled out, teeth clenching in the process.

 

The younger man blanched.

 

A million reasons smothered his mind.

 

_Because I love you._

 

_Because I couldn't lose you to her._

 

_Because I'm sorry that I hurt you._

 

_Because you're the only thing in my life worth living for._

 

Dan opened his mouth to speak, before he shut it closed. He knew that he couldn't tell Phil his feelings, their friendship would never be the same.

 

_What do I say?_

 

_How do I explain?_

 

Phil didn't wait any longer for an answer, instead lunged towards the curly haired man. In a matter of split seconds, Dan managed to regret his very existence.

 

He hated how it all came down to this.

 

He hated how _weak_ he was for not owning up to his actions.

 

He absolutely _loathed_ the fact the _he_ was the reason Phil hated himself.

 

Then, his world titled on its axis as a rupture of  a white hot pain flashed through his system and left him gasping for whatever breath he could take.

 

Phil's first made contact with Dan’s stomach.

 

“I _trusted_ you Dan!”

 

Even through the pain that battled his senses, he could hear the grief that exploded behind those words. Stars shimmered behind Dan's eyelids and he groaned as he clenched his hand in his stomach, and trying to come back and recover quickly from the blow.

 

Phil stomped his rampage when he saw Dan hit the floor with a painful groan. A piece of his heart fell to the floor along with him.

 

_I want you to hurt as much as I_

 

Before Phil could shut his mouth, he uttered words he never could take back.

 

“ _I wish I never agreed to meet you_ ”

 

Dan’s head snapped towards Phil, shock clearly shining on his face.

 

“You're going to toss everything we've made just for _her_?”

 

Tears brimmed in Dan's eyes but he refused to cry in front of Phil. He wouldn't give him the satisfaction that he had hurt him beyond belief.

 

The confusion swirled around him as Dan reached for the door handle. Without even looking back, he struggled to find the will to even speak to Phil. The anger he had felt was gone, all that was left was the empty space that filled his lungs with an ice cold and his chest squeezed together in a melancholic pain.

 

In a way, he guess this is what he deserved after all.

 

Dan has gone his entire life living a dream that was only supported by a band of betrayal and lies and now, everything he had so precariously built, now tumbled and crashed around him.

 

It shattered his entire being to walk away from his best friend but he knew if he didn't, Phil would only loathe him even more.

 

He battled his emotions as he descended down the steps, his fingers slowly tracing the wall as if it would provide him with any temporary comfort.

 

Sadly, even the walls brought harsh memories that assaulted his frail being. He remembered all the times he and Phil would race to get takeout in order to get the extra egg roll every time. It worked like a charm since Phil always was the one to answer the door.

 

Even now, Dan managed a bitter smile.

 

The young man lumbered out of the building doors, the cold London night jolting his senses and soothing his heated body.

 

Dull and hopeless eyes scanned the street before turning onto the sidewalk, his fingers digging into the pockets of his jeans to keep them warm.

 

His heart ached with a painful throb with every step he took.

 

Even now, the one destination in his mind, he hoped would be the one shining light in his life.

 

His home. Or what it was before Phil came along.

 

Sputtering, Dan grabbed his chest as a powerful constriction wrapped around his heart with a mention of his name.

 

Lights beamed down from the several lampposts by the sidewalks, the people hastily walking were unbothered by the giant walking with them.  

 

Bitterly smiling, Dan looked up as he melted into the faceless crowds. The stars shone ever so bright, twinkling like little lights that struggled to shine within a blanket of cold and unforgiving shroud of celestial black darkness.

 

His one beacon of light had given up on him. And he couldn't blame it on anyone but himself.

 

And now, as he pushed past crowds of people, there was no stopping the demons that lingered at every dark corner, just waiting for him to succumb to their malicious clutches.

 

He didn't want to be alone.

 

A lone tear trickled down Dan's cheek as he heard his own abuser grow ever louder in his mind, shouting at his insecurities and weakness.

 

There was no one to battle him anymore, his own will was unable to resist the haunting thoughts that made him sick of living every day.

 

Phil was gone.

 

There was no one left to drag him out of the dark hole his mind was spiraling towards. The monsters that invaded his being circled around him, growling and waiting for the moment Dan let his fragile shield down.

 

All Dan could do was shut his eyes and pray that he could survive whatever he faces, all without his beacon of light and hope.

  



	11. Chapter 11

  
  


_ I am not my own  _

 

_ For I have been there anew _

 

_ Please don't let me go, _

 

_ I desperately need you. _

  
  


_ -Meteor Shower- _

  
  


**_A Month Later_ **

 

_ How much longer can I take this… _

 

_ Why does everyone I care about get hurt? _

 

A cold room was all that Dan knew for the last few weeks. His appetite was gone and frankly, he couldn't care less about how he looked like at this point. Groaning, he pulled the covers over his head to block the rays of the setting sun. 

 

The comforting orange and yellow colours of dusk bled with the the violet and blue darks of the evening. Streaks of gold shimmered in the sky but, the sun set too soon and quickly melted into a blanket of purples. Stars that were previously not visible dotted the night sky and very faintly twinkled as their light travelled from a great distance. 

 

Time passed and next thing he knew, the colors mixed with a pitch black and somewhere in his mind, a twinge of recognition sparked when he remembered his heart breaking for the first time under those same stars. 

 

He let out a sigh as he continued to watch the stars from his window. Pondering, he hummed as he moved dot to dot and with a morbid thought, he realize their bright twinkling eventually would fade as the bright sun rose in the sky. 

 

With a scoff, Dan turned away from his window and basked in the familiar darkness.

The world fell into a hushed whisper as the liveliness of the day died down to a still, the muted evening was only alive with the creatures that thrived in the night. 

This was the only time that balance was restored in Dan's soul. 

 

_ Knock _

And then again, although it took a second longer to gently tap the door again, the hand at bay on the smooth wooden door. Summoning the courage, Dan's mom closed her eyes as she gripped the silver handle. 

 

“ _ Dan honey…”  _

 

He struggled to crack an eyelid open to the wooden door. His mother's tone was tinged with worry and that was what lulled him gently awake, unlike his usual alarms. 

 

Groggily, he grunted and with his muscles protesting, he hoisted his body up and stumbled his way to the door. 

 

Behind the door, his mother was alert as she heard movement inside her son's room for the first time in days. Relieved but thoroughly exasperated, she continued to speak through the door, her mind at ease now that her son responded. 

 

“You’ve been here for almost a month…” She paused as she tried to express her worry without alarming her son.  

 

“Your father and I were just wondering what's going on,” Lauren clasped her hands nervously together and wrung them.

 

She jumped back in surprise as she heard the knob jiggle and the door creak open to reveal her precious boy, the sight of him breaking her heart in the process.

 

Her hand raised to cover her mouth as worried tears automatically sprung into the corner of her eyes.

 

“What happened Daniel?” 

 

She briskly walked forward to meet her son. Her hands cupped Daniel's face and on her tiptoes she traced the dark purple bags underneath his eyes and automatically, Dan's bloodshot eyes closed as her cool hands traced his flushed face.

 

Loud alarm bells rung in her head as she saw his disheveled state. The black and white striped sweater engulfed his shaking figure and her heart tore in two as she saw how broken her oldest son looked.

 

“I'm fine mum,” He replied numbly as his mother wiped the dried teartracks that reached to the bottom of his soft chin. 

 

“I'm not deaf Daniel, I can hear you crying yourself to sleep at night and even though it's muffled, I can still hear it.” 

 

She pursed her thin lips together as she recalled the dead weight of guilt weighing her down every night, her own mind belittling her as she failed to do her motherly duty. 

 

Dan's face burned as shame blossomed on his features. It dipped down to his neck and it covered his ears. 

 

“Mom I-” He tried to interrupt his mom, but she grabbed his shoulders and hesitantly he made eye contact. 

 

“And I know for a fact you haven't talked to Phil since you've gotten here because that man always makes you smile,” She drew his attention to glance down to look at her. 

 

At the mention of Phil’s name, Dan's eyebrows creased and he removed his gaze from his mom to look at her side down in order to hide the distraught look that blantly crossed his face. 

 

“What has gotten into you honey?” Lauren whispered quietly to herself as she worried her lip in between her teeth. Hearing a rather loud sob, she sharply raised her face to where it was coming from. 

 

Her mouth dropped open as she saw Dan openly cry. 

 

Without a second thought, she shushed her sons cries by gently wrapping her hands around her little boy. Her heart thudded rapidly in her chest as her son’s wrecking sobs morphed into pitiful cries of despair. 

 

Conflicted on what to do, she started to rock him just as she had done all those years ago when he was just a child.

 

Her dark blond hair swayed side to side as she hummed a tune. During this, Dan was torn to tell his mom the while truth. 

 

_ “M-mum…”  _  He hiccuped and patiently, Lauren waited for him to finish his sentence. 

 

“ _ What would you think of me if I told you I was gay?”  _

 

A heartbeat passed. Then two. 

 

Internally, both were in the same turmoil. 

 

_ Is that all he was worried about?  _

 

“I would say I still love you, no matter what,” she rested her palm on her son's shoulder and squeezed it in a reassuring way. The small action caused a cascade of emotions to erupt within Dan’s being. The prickly ice of rejection and solitude that surrounded his soul slowly melted and trickled away by the fiery warmth of his mother's words. 

 

It cradled and in a way, soothed the shadows of the doubts in his mind. 

 

Lost for words, all he could do was choke out a strangled ‘thank you’ and engulf his mom in the biggest hug he's given her. Tears blurred his vision as they freely trailed down the sides of his face and dotted the grey material of his mother's shoulder.  

 

Lauren inhaled sharply and her warm brown eyes widened as she stared down at Dan's curls. She gulped as Dan wrapped his own lanky arms around her small figure. 

 

Her stomach flopped around in her gut. Out of all the possibilities, she never thought she would react like this. It was now that her boy needed her, more so than ever before. 

 

With a sudden burst of confidence in her decision, she knew that she would be at peace with his decision. What she had learned from her church was wrong, and she had a feeling who Dan was conflicted over. 

 

Understanding the situation a bit better, she let out a shaky breath as she fondly smiled up at her son and embraced him, no longer caring about anything else except his well being. 

 

“Was this what you were so upset about?” Lauren inquired as she continued to pat his back. 

 

“I thought you would have hated me…” Dan weakly sputtered out, his own breath was breaking as he tried to regain his composure. 

 

The sight of him crying only brought her into tears.Not only was she crying for him, but she was feeling his pain as her own. Her heart swelled with motherly affection for her eldest son, growing ever stronger as he confided her with his biggest secret.

 

“As long as I have you safe and well, I’ll be fine.” He felt her squeeze his body harder, tightening the hug. 

 

“Please stop crying mom, you’re going to make me cry more.” She moved her arm up to his hair, caressing it, while her other arm rubbed soothing circles along his back. 

His poor heart threatened to beat out of his chest by how hard it rattled inside his ribcage. Dan exhaled an uneasy breath as he wordlessly guided his parents to the living room, his mom putting up no fight but his father’s questioning side looks started to make the brunet more nervous than he already was. 

 

The constant thrumming that buzzed Dan’s body was like a live wire, come to close and without a doubt, it could hurt. Idly, he wondered if it was his wild imagination but he could feel the tauntness of his body becoming ready to snap. 

 

All Dan ever wanted was to be acceptance. He wanted to be accepted by his friends, his viewers and by his family. That's honestly all he ever wanted. The curly haired man never thought that coming out would be so terrifying; his heart was leaping out of his chest, his breath was heavy, he couldn't focus. But when he had finally said the words, "Mum, Dad... I'm gay."   
  
Everything felt clear for once, someone knew. That was until he saw the look on his father's face, his smile melted off his face and his features twisted into an ugly scowl. Dan's stomach sank when he hissed in disgust and yelled at him, but Dan was numb. 

 

_ I have to leave _

 

He got out of his seat, attempting to make his way towards his room to grab his belongings and go- But his father, got up as well and started walking towards him with a rather threatening look on his face.

 

“No son of mine will carry my last name and disgrace it by becoming a twink,” 

 

His mother ran towards him, her movements were frantic as she blocked Richard's path to Dan. The dark haired women desperately shouted as she stepped in front of her son to take whatever attack Dan's father would let out on him. 

 

“Move, Lauren.” He grabbed his wife and pushed her aside to get to his son. But by the time he got her out of the way, Dan was already running towards his room- His heart racing and tears blurring his vision.  

 

He hurriedly threw his clothes in a duffel bag and tried to sneak out of the house, but his father had caught up to him and continued to shout offensive one-liners at his son.   
  
"You're a disappointment!"

  
  
"Why can't you be more like your brother!"

  
  
"I didn't raise a fag!"

  
  
Although he tried to ignore the offensive screams, his heart still shattered. His dark brown eyes were filled with tears; trying to remind himself that what his father was saying was false, but as his father shouted in his face as he stumbled out of the house, it was hard to believe anything but.

  
  
Tears blurring his vision, he raced out of the house into the nights air and stumbled for his phone. Dan didn't understand why he was crying; deep down he knew that he didn't need his family's approval, but it stung to know that the only people he was out to didn't accept him for who he was. There was a part of him that craved that approval and now that he didn't have it, Dan didn't know what to do.

  
  
The only person the brown haired man wanted to talk to hadn't said a word to him in over a month, which was understandable. But although Phil was mad at him, he knew that

he'd come through if he knew how much Dan was hurting. Even if he didn't, Dan had to try. So dialing Phil's number, he prayed that he'd answer and after the third ring he did.

 

Something inside him broke. There was a gaping hole in his chest 

  
There was an empty feeling in his chest.   
  


"You have some nerve calling m-"

  
  
Dan tightly shut his eyes to stop from crying all over again. He could hear Phil's hostility over the phone.    
  
“My dad kicked me out of the house,” he quickly forced the sentence out as best he could without crying. 

  
"Phil...I'm gay,”    
  
"..."   
  
Dan held his breath and counted the seconds before Phil responded.   
  
1...   
  
2...   
  
3...   
  
4...-

  
  
" _ Are you okay _ ?"    
  


That. There it was. Even when Dan dragged him through the mud and for his own selfish reasons kept him to himself, this was the reason he fell in love with Phil.

 

  
The one sentence knocked the breath out of his lungs.

  
  
Voice shaking as Dan spoke in a whispered tone, "Phil, please... I need you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys/gals/non-binary pals enjoyed it! Leave a comment so we know what to improve on? Tune in next time! xx


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